Laughing Matters: September
Sep 01, 2018 12:54AM ● By BEACON Senior News
Three mischievous old ladies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.
One of the ladies yelled out, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are!”
“There ain’t no way you can guess exactly, you old fools,” the man replied.
The ladies called out, “Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers.
The ladies stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times and jump up and down, and then they all piped: “You’re 84 years old!”
“How in the world did you guess?” asked the man.
The ornery old ladies snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, “Because we were at your birthday party yesterday!”
Absent minded Submitted by Ian Marvin
Two old men suffering from short-term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old age home when an ice cream van drove past.
“Gee,” said the first man. “I’d love an ice cream right now.”
“Would you like me to get you one?” asked the second man.
“Are you joking?” the first man snapped back. “You’d forget my order straight away.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” replied the second man.
“All right then,” said his mate. “I want a double cone with mint ice cream and chocolate chips, and a cherry on top.”
The second man repeated the order flawlessly.
Five minutes later, he walked back carrying two meat pies.
The first man looked at the pies in disgust then yelled, “I knew I should’ve gone myself. You forgot the sauce!”
Nobel Prize Submitted by Vince Colton
A man is driving down the highway on his way to work when he sees a farmer standing in a field, his arms outstretched. The man takes the same route to work for the rest of the week and each day, he sees the farmer standing in the middle of the field.
The man gets out of the car, walks out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah, excuse me mister, but what are you doing?”
The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”
“How?” asks the man, puzzled.
“Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”
Hell improvement Submitted by Ted Boothroyd
An engineer dies and goes to hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell is air conditioned and has flushing toilets and escalators. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, “So how’s it going down there?”
Satan says, “Things are going great. We’ve now got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators. There’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God is horrified. “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake—he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to heaven. Send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on staff here. I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back immediately or I will sue you.”
Satan says, “Yeah right, and where do you plan to find a lawyer?”
Dress code Submitted by Stephanie Summar
A man tries to walk into a bar, but the bouncer stops him at the door.
“You can’t come in without a tie,” the bouncer says.
Disappointed but not about to give up, the man returns to his car and frantically looks for something he can substitute. Finally he opens his trunk and spots some jumper cables. He ties them around his neck and returns to the bar.
The bouncer looks him up and down and says, “All right, you can come in. But don’t try to start anything.”
Creationism vs. evolution settled Submitted by Karen Jones
A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?”
The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve, they had children and so all mankind was made.”
A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys and we developed from them.”
The confused girl returns to her mother and says, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Dad says we developed from monkeys?”
The mother answers, “Well, dear, it’s very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.”
Puns for the educated minds Submitted by Mason Adams
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
