Real mothers

Submitted by A. Wendell

Real mothers don’t eat quiche; they don’t have time to make it.

Real mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real mothers know that dried Play-Doh doesn’t come out of shag carpets.

Real mothers don’t want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real mothers sometimes ask, “Why me?” and get their answer when a little voice says, “Because I love you best.”

Real mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years or grade. It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.

Funny signs

Submitted by Jan Weeks

In a bookstore:

The Post-Apocalyptical Fiction section has been moved to Current Affairs.

Highway marquee:

Who hates speeding tickets? Raise your right foot.

Outside a local shop:

Shop local—because Amazon won’t sponsor your kids’ baseball team.

At a hotel desk:

Dogs are welcome in this hotel. We’ve never had a dog that smoked in bed and set fire to the blankets. We never had a dog that stole our towels and played the TV too loud, or had a noisy fight with his traveling companion. We never had a dog that got drunk and broke up the furniture. So if your dog can vouch for you, you’re welcome, too.

Outside a synagogue in Toronto:

Adam & Eve: First ones to ignore Apple Terms & Conditions.

On a classroom chalkboard:

Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your x. She’s never coming back, and don’t ask y.

Inside a zoo:

Those who throw objects/stones at the crocodile/snakes will be asked to retrieve them.

Geography of a woman

Submitted by Hap Jordan

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe: well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece: gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain: with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel: has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada: self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet: wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

Geography of a man

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran: ruled by nuts.

Think before you tell that joke

Submitted by Sue Gager

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there awhile, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” 

The bar falls silent. In a deep, husky voice, the woman sitting next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given you are blind, that you should know four things:

“One, the bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde with a black belt in karate. The lady on your other side is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks about it for a second, then shakes his head and mutters, “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it four times.”

The haircut

Submitted by Kevin Ray

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and asked his father when he could get a car. His father decided to make him a deal. 

“You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible and get your hair cut, then we’ll talk about a car.”

The boy agreed to it. 

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed you studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy countered, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. In the Bible, Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

Impressed but not amused, his dad replied, “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

Kids should have kids because

Submitted by Jennifer Baker

You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up.

Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your children.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has one.

Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child and she said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.

Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.