Dad jokes 

Submitted by Miles Alexander

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.

Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.

Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.

I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills. Those were Goodyears.

What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.

The bank keeps calling me to give me compliments. They say I have an “outstanding balance.”

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Retirement fun

Submitted by M L Madsen

The other day my wife and I went downtown to do some shopping. As we headed out to leave, we saw a cop writing a parking ticket. We walked up to him and I said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" But he ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

Then I called him a “butthead.” He just glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn out tires which really upset my wife, so she called him a “jerk.” He finished writing the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first one, then he started writing another ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. When he finally finished, he sneered at us, shook his head and walked away.

Just then our bus arrived and we headed home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!

Man of few words

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A man goes into a flower shop to buy roses for his wife. 

“I love a man who loves to say it with flowers. How about three dozen?” the florist asks him. 

After seeing the price, the man said, “Make it a half dozen. I’m a man of few words.”

Advice from above

Submitted by Bonnie Wright

A keen but unskilled golfer plays the same course every week. He has particular trouble with the water trap on the 14th hole, losing a ball in it every time. 

One round he decides that using good balls is too expensive and decides to use an old cut-up ball instead. He opens his bag and gets the old ball, tees it up and addresses it. Just as he commences his back swing, a mighty voice comes from on high: “Use the new ball.” 

He figured any advice from such a source is worth following, so he picks up the old ball and tees up the new one again. He starts his back swing but once again is interrupted by a voice from the sky: “Take a practice swing.”

The man steps away from the ball and rehearses his swing. Just as he steps forward to readdress the ball, the voice speaks again: “Nope, use the old ball.” 

Hospital regulations

Submitted by Ben Kuckel

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients to be discharged. A patient was being discharged, so a nurse entered the room to find an elderly gentleman sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet.

The nurse asked him to get in the wheelchair. He responds, “I don’t need a wheelchair. I can walk.”

After a chat about the rules and upon the nurse’s insistence, he reluctantly got into the wheelchair. They took the elevator down and the nurse wheeled him to the main door. 

“Is your wife picking you up?” she asked.

He said, “No, she should still be up in the room changing out of her hospital gown in the bathroom.” 

No excuses

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

Professor Johnson is a stickler for punctuality, especially for tests. Anyone not in their seat when the test begins automatically flunks.

Last Monday, the professor returned to his office after giving a test and found four young men waiting. They explained that they had all been at one of their parents’ beach houses all weekend studying. They left in plenty of time to make the test but they had a flat tire. By the time they fixed it, it was too late. They begged the professor for a makeup test.

Professor Johnson agreed to give them a different test at noon. Since that was also his lunch hour, he put each of them in a separate office so they couldn’t see or speak to one another. He handed them each a test that had only one question: Which tire went flat? 

Defective mirror

Submitted by Helen Curtis

A woman came into my work wanting to return a mirror. She said the reflection didn’t look like her anymore. 

“Old” is when…

Submitted by Charlie & Hap Jordan

“Old” is when…your sweetie says, “Let's go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one. I can't do both!”

“Old” is when…your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

“Old” is when…a sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

“Old” is when…going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

“Old” is when…you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

“Old” is when…you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

“Old” is when…“getting a little action” means you don't need to take any fiber today.

“Old” is when…“getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

“Old” is when…an “all-nighter” means not getting up to use the bathroom.

But, seriously, “old” is when you are not sure if these are actually jokes.

Didn’t Come from Apes

Submitted by Jane Quarles

One day when I was out shopping, a striking blue blouse with long sleeves caught my eye. I bought it without trying it on but once I got home,  I noticed the sleeves were past my fingertips.

When I showed my boyfriend, I told him, “That proves it!”

He asked, “Proves what?”

“It proves that I didn’t come from apes like most people think,” I replied.

“How do you know?” he said with a smile.

I showed him my sleeves and said, “Because my arms are too short.”