A day at the farm

Submitted by Anonymous

A boy about 9 opens the door.
“Is your dad or mom home?” asks the farmer.

“No, they went to town.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?” 

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stands there for a few minutes, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.

The boy finally says, “I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. If that’s not why you’re here, I can give Mom or Dad a message.”

“Well,” The farmer says looking extremely uncomfortable. “I need to talk to your Dad about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter, Suzy, pregnant.”

The boy tilts his head to the side and thinks about that for a moment. 

“You will have to talk to my dad about that,” the boy responds. “I know he charges $50 for our bulls to service other folks’ cows and he charges $15 for our boars to service other folks’ sows. I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

Decorating with dogs

Submitted by Camille Jimenez

Decorating when you have dogs can provide unique opportunities to express your own personal style and taste. Here are some ideas:

Bare floors, without carpet or throw rugs, can give a nice open feeling to a room. It can provide a soothing balance when you have many art objects that reflect your love of animals.

Paw prints and nose smudges on glass doors and windows break up glare and soften the light in a room.

Dog crates, when stacked three high, can add height to a room and pull the eye up. If fastened securely to the wall, the top can provide a safe and dramatic place for exotic plants or statuary that otherwise might be molested by your pets. A light can make it a real focal point. Cats love to inhabit the upper crates, leaving the lower ones for the dogs.

Old towels and blankets thrown casually on upholstered furniture can add a wonderful homey, country quilt look to an otherwise bland room.

Common smooth upholstery fabrics can look almost velvety when lightly textured with dog hair.

Vari-kennels, placed end to end and topped with plate glass, can create an unusual coffee table one of your friends will remember.

Doggie beds, randomly placed around a room, can add color and texture, much as throw pillows do.

Shredded or chewed books and magazines send a message to guests that they are free to relax and feel at home.

Dog crates can make versatile end tables, and can be slip-covered to match any room decor.

There is absolutely nothing that makes a guest feel as welcome as three friendly dogs hopping in his lap as soon as he sits down.

Ugly Baby

Submitted by Della Leonard

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” 

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” 

The man says, “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The economy is bad when...

Submitted by Gilbert Henry

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

You get a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Hot Wheels and Match Box car companies are now trading higher than GM and Ford on the stock market.

The president meets with small businesses like GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM to discuss bailouts.

McDonalds is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

People in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and are now learning their children’s names.

The most highly paid job is now jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel 6 won’t leave the lights on.

If the bank returns your check marked as “insufficient funds,” you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The Pig Farmer

Submitted by Anna Ramos

A farmer had five female pigs and was determined to take them to the county fair and sell. 

While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived 50 miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive 30 miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. 

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the 30 miles. 

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?” 

The other farmer replied, “If they’re in the grass grazing in the morning, then they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, then they’re not.” 

The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. 

The following morning, mud again! 

This continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn’t get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field.” 

“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn!”

One liners

Submitted by Janie Stewart

Why did the taxi driver get fired? Passengers didn’t like it when she went the extra mile.

Want to hear a roof joke? The first one’s on the house.

What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks? A roamin’ Catholic.

Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.

Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore.

I couldn’t believe that the highway department called my dad a thief. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

Why aren’t koalas actual bears? The don’t meet the koalafications. 

What does a storm cloud wear under his raincoat? Thunderwear.

What’s the best way to plan a party in space? You planet.

 What’s a zebra? A few sizes bigger than an A.

I don’t like shopping centers. Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen the mall.