WRONG PASSWORD

Submitted by Kay Williams

“My memory really sucks, Mildred, so I changed my password to ‘incorrect.’ That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me, ‘Your password is incorrect.’”

SANTA’S REINDEER

Submitted by Vicky Carroll

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a female.

We should’ve known. Only a group of women would be able to drag a heavy man with toys in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

’TWAS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS

Submitted by Maureen McKinney

’Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, every creature was hurting—even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand. The patch on his jacket said “U.S. Postman.”

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox, then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came. Whistling and shouting, he called them by name:

“Now HomeGoods, now Kohl’s, now Penneys and Sears, here’s TrueValue and Target and Walmart—all here!

To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall, now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!”

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work, he filled up the box and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road, driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, “Enjoy what you got, you’ll be paying all year!”

HOLIDAY FRUITCAKE RECIPE

Submitted by Patty Clayton

Ingredients:

• 1 cup of water
• 1 cup of sugar
• 4 eggs
• 2 cups of dried chopped fruit
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 2 1/2 cups flour
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
• 1 cup chopped nuts
• lemon juice
• Your bottle of favorite whiskey

Sample whiskey to check for freshness and quality. Get a large mixing bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup of whiskey. Drink and repeat. Turn on electric mixer, beat one cup of mixing butter in the fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break four leggs and add to the bowl.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey for tonsisticity. Next, sigt two cups of salt. 

Or something......where was I? Oh yes, check the whiskey and repeat. Now, sift the lemon juice and strain the nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar. Or something.....whatever you can find. Grease the oven, turn cake pan 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Boon the spatter; ..... no, uh... poon the spatter in the cake ban, wisk the checky again, repeat, and go to bed. Nighty-night.

FANCY RESTAURANT

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A redneck goes into a very fancy restaurant, sits down and promptly ties the napkin around his neck. Shocked, the maître d’ tells the waiter to inform the man that the behavior is unacceptable inside the restaurant, but to do so discreetly, as not to make a scene.

The waiter goes to the table and asks the man, “What will it be: a shave or a haircut?”

HALLOWEEN PARTY

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A couple is at a costume shop trying to decide what to wear to a Halloween party. The husband is very frugal and every time the wife picks one out, it’s too expensive. 

Frustrated, the wife says, “Maybe I’ll just go as Lady Godiva.”

The husband replies, “Don’t be silly. Do you know what it costs to rent a horse these days?”

SHORT HOLIDAY JOKES

Submitted by Bryan Clayton

Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
Because he was picking his nose!

What do you call an elf who sings?
A wrapper!

What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite!

Why was the Christmas tree so bad at sewing?
It kept dropping its needles!

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
An abdominal snowman!

Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby!

SHORT NEW YEAR’S JOKES

Submitted by Bryan & Patty Clayton

What do you tell someone you didn’t see at the New Year’s Eve party?
“I haven’t seen you for a year!”

Why did the scarecrow make a New Year’s resolution?
Because he wanted to be outstanding in his field!

How do you organize a fantastic space party for New Year’s?
You planet!

What do you call always being the last person to make a New Year’s resolution?
December 32nd.

What do you call a snowman with a six-month lifespan?
A New Year’s resolution!

What did one year say to the other year?
“I see you’re passing by quickly as well!”

Why did the calendar go to therapy?
Because it had too many issues with dates!