Real mothers Submitted by Cara Goodrich Real mothers don’t eat quiche; they don’t have time to make it. Real mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox. Real mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids. Real mothers know that dried Play Doh doesn’t come out of carpets. Real mothers don’t want to know what the vacuum just sucked up. Real mothers sometimes ask, “Why me?” and get their answer when a little voice says, “Because I love you best.” Real mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years or grade. It is marked by the progression of “Mama” to “Mommy” to “Mom.”

Kids should have kids because Submitted by Renee Lawrence You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your children. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it's stopped snowing. There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has one. Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young. I asked Mom if I was a gifted child and she said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said. We child-proofed our home three years ago and they’re still getting in!

Government bull Submitted by Bob Breazeale Many years ago there was a state senator in Texas who liked to participate in rodeo events. One time he got bucked off a bull and was injured. The reporter who covered the rodeo asked his editor, “Don’t you think it’s kind of ironic what happened to that guy?” “In what way?” asked the editor. The reporter said, “It’s kind of a man-bites-dog story. My headline is going to read, ‘Bull Throws Senator.’”

Auto maintenance Submitted by Dan Dutton I was changing a flat tire on the side of the road when a passersby stopped to ask, “Did you have a flat?” “No, dumb ass,” I answered coldly. “I rotate my tires every 3,000 miles regardless of where I am.”

Women can be so insensitive Submitted by Hap Jordan Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he only has 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, he goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?” His wife agrees and they do it again. Later, Ralph gets into bed, looks at his watch and realizes he now has only eight hours left. He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, “Honey, please, just one more time before I die?” She says, “Of course, dear.” And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he’s down to four more hours. He taps his wife, and she rouses. “Honey, I have only four more hours. Do you think we could…” His wife rolls over and says, “Listen, Ralph, I have to get up in the morning, you don’t.”

Mystic English Submitted by Josephine Marshall If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

No speeding ticket for him Submitted by Paul Bush A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding. Officer: May I see your driver’s license? Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI. Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle? Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: A gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There’s a body in the trunk?! Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. Police quickly surrounded the car, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who’s car is this? Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it. Driver: No problem. The trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too!