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BEACON Senior News - Western Colorado

Laughing Matters

Jun 06, 2019 02:42PM ● By Beacon Senior News

GOT TWO BUCKS? Submitted by Cynthia Moore

A homeless man, who’d obviously seen his share of hard times, approached a well-dressed gentleman on the street.

“Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?” the homeless man asked.

The gentleman responded, “You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?”

“No, sir, I don’t drink,” retorted the man.

“You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?” asked the gentleman.

“No way, I don’t gamble.”

“You wouldn’t waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?”

“Never,” said the homeless man. “I don’t play golf.”

The gentleman asked the homeless man if he would like to come home with him for a home-cooked meal, to which he accepted eagerly. While they were heading for the man’s house, the homeless man’s curiosity got the better of him.

“Isn’t your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?” he asked.

“Probably,” said the gentleman, “but I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn’t drink, gamble or play golf.”

HOLLYWOOD SQUARES Submitted by Charlie These great questions and answers are from the game show, “Hollywood Squares,” when Peter Marshall was the host.

Peter: “What is a good reason for pounding meat?”

Paul Lynde: “Loneliness!”

Peter: “Do female frogs croak?”

Paul Lynde: “If you hold their little heads under water long enough.”

Peter: “If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?”

Charley Weaver: “Three days of steady drinking should do it.”

Peter: “True or False: A pea can last as long as 5,000 years.”

George Gobel: “Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.”

Peter: “You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?”

Don Knotts: “That’s what’s been keeping me awake.”

Peter: “According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and think he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?”

Rose Marie: “No, wait until morning.”

Peter: “Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?”

Charley Weaver: “My sense of decency.”

Peter: “In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You?’”

Vincent Price: “No, you can say it with a pineapple and $20.”

IT'S NICE BEING A GUY Submitted by Tony Elam

We know stuff about tanks.

A five-day trip requires only one suitcase.

We can kill our own food.

We don’t have to learn how to spell a new last name.

We can leave a motel bed unmade.

We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend.

Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

Car mechanics tell us the truth.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a gift.

We are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts us for years—maybe decades.

We don't have to shave below the neck.

One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

We don't care if someone notices our new haircut.

We can do our nails with a pocket knife.

Wedding dress: $2,000; Tux rental: $100.

Just throw them in the dirty clothes with everything else.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

SETTING UP THE SWAMP COOLER Written and submitted by Linda A. Binkley

Summer is here and the house feels like a sauna. I figure it’s time to start up the swamp cooler since it’s not going to cool off until October.

I gather all the parts to start up my swamp cooler: faucet, ball valve, snow cake, one or two brass clamp nuts, and several brass clamp sleeves and brass inserts. Even though I said a little prayer, I still find myself at the hardware store buying parts, anticipating what might go wrong this year.

I get home. Here goes nothing.

I assemble and attach all the pieces of the water supply, muttering another prayer of thanks that the cooler is on the side of the house and not on the roof.

I turn on the water and am grateful that the water spraying like Niagara Falls is clean water. That’s my second bath of the day.

I turn off the water, take a big breath and apply Teflon tape to stop the leaks. After turning the water on and off a few times and removing the tape, I realize the connections are no longer leaking, but the rubber hose from the water to the cooler has sprung a leak. Must have been that feral cat or the ninjas that live in the neighborhood.

I turn off the water again and connect the splicer. I check the water level in the cooler. It should be good since the floater hasn’t been touched since last year—floater is good. I take a deep breath.

The water is coming out of the spiders at a steady rate and the pads are well watered. Now I go into the house and turn on the motor, which runs like a racehorse. The cool air feels like Alaska has moved into my living room. Isn’t summer a wonderful thing? ■