Laughing Matters September 2019
Aug 29, 2019 03:08PM ● By Beacon Senior News
THE CABBIE AND THE WOMAN
Submitted by Johnny DawsonA clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City.
The cab driver, an older gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you seen a naked woman before?”
The old driver slowly answered, “Let me tell you something, lady. I wasn’t staring at you like you think. That would not be proper.”
The woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?”
He paused a moment, and then told her, “Well, ma’am, I am looking, and I am looking, and I am thinking to myself, where in the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?”
NOT WHAT YOU EXPECT
Submitted by Peggy MaloneHere’s a great one-liner my mother used to say:
“Where there’s a will...there’s a relative!!”
THE ONE ABOUT THE MONK
Submitted by Allen MidgleyA man decides to join a monastery. In order to be accepted into the monastery, he has to first take a three-year vow of silence. At the end of the three years, he’s allowed to say two words.
He keeps his vow the entire three years, not saying a word, and at the end he says, “Bed hard.” He then spends another three years again keeping his vow of silence. At the end of those years he simply says, “Food cold.”
After another three years of silence, the man is about to get into the monastery when he goes to the head monk and tells him, “I quit.”
“Figures,” said the head monk. “You haven’t stopped complaining since you got here!”
GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE
Submitted by Martha McCarthyEveryone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to." "Of course you do," his mother
insisted, "We say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.”
COFFEE MAKER
Submitted by Mary Howard
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, “You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
"I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: "HE- BREWS."
TOO SMART
Submitted by Mary HowardAn attractive retiree and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Denver to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The retiree, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the retiree's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The retiree doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer: "What goes
up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the retiree and hands her $500.
She says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the retiree and asks,
"Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, she reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
RIDDLE
Submitted by Andy WilsonYou are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig, which is the same size as your car, and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
You are extremely uncomfortable because everyone is in very close proximity to each other. What must you do to safely get out of this situation?
Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round.
