Self-isolation diary

Submitted by Jan Weeks

Day 1: I can do this! Got enough food and wine to last a month!

Day 2: Opening my eighth bottle of wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!

Day 3: So, some strawberries have 210 seeds and others have 235 seeds. Who knew?

Day 4: 8 p.m. Removed my day pajamas and put on my night pajamas.

Day 5: Today, I tried to make hand sanitizer. It came out as Jell-O shots.

Day 6: I get to take the garbage out. I'm so excited. I can't decide what to wear.

Day 7: Laughing way too much at my own jokes!

Day 8: Went to a new restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Day 9: I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I'm getting all dressed up and going bar hopping.

Day 10: Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems nice. He's a web designer.

Day 11: Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”

Day 12: I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.

Day 13: TIP: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can't accidentally touch your face.

Day 14: Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3–1.

Day 15: Anybody else feel like they've cooked dinner about 395 times this month?

 

If you aren’t on Facebook, you might have missed…

Submitted by Jan Weeks

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem (or both!)

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks, we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

So, after this quarantine, will the producers of “My 600 Pound Life” just find me or do I find them?

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

 

I’m going crazy

Submitted by Jan Weeks

Be careful because people are going crazy from being in lockdown! Actually, I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting heated. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end, the iron calmed me down as said everything will be fine—no situation is too pressing.

The vacuum was very unsympathetic...it told me to just suck it up—but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything, but the doorknob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to—yes, you guessed it... pull myself together.   

 

Mature wisdom

Submitted by Ethel Hartley

I’m watching a 3-year-old pull up apps on a cell phone.

Me, I just figured out how to turn mine off without taking the battery out.

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes—I do crunches.

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was my refrigerator.

 

Saw my doctor today

Submitted by Esther Stafford

I just had a physical. My doctor said, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

I said, “Like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No, fatty. Don’t eat anything!”

 

World’s greatest daughter

Submitted by Caroline Smit

Daughter: Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?

Mum: I don’t know, dear, you’d have to ask Grandma.

 

A girl like Mom

Submitted by Bailey Combs

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”

Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”

His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”

The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”

Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”