PROUD PARENTS

Submitted by Bruce Barday

What did the wife of a firestarter say when she saw their child playing with matches? He’s arson.

CONFUCIUS SAYS

Submitted by Bob Breazeale (and others)

Confucius says: Man who breaks wind in church will wind up sitting in his own pew.

Confucius says: Cowboy who wears long-handle underwear should keep his trap shut.

Confucius says: Gypsies got no babies because gypsies have crystal balls.

Confucius says: War not determine who right. War determine who left.

Confucius says: If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

Confucius says: Man who run before bus get tired.

Confucius says: Man who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius says: Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

SHORT FORTUNE TELLER

Submitted by Wilson Allen

Madame Nyteshade had two claims to fame: She could tell fortunes and she was a little person.

The local authorities frowned at her because they thought that fortune-telling was fraudulent. They had her arrested and she was placed in a holding cell. 

Since she was so small, she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. The judge ordered the local newspaper to print an article about it.

The following headline was printed in the paper the next day: “Small medium at large.”

WHIMSICAL WIT

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

There is so much ragweed and goldenrod at the new Desert Heights subdivision that the residents want to change the name to Gazundt Heights. 

A frog’s thoughts on life might be: Time’s fun when you’re having flies. 

Did you hear about the woman vocalist who couldn’t find a male partner? She ended up buying a duet yourself kit.

TAKE YOUR KID TO WORK DAY

Submitted by Eddie Porter

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to the office with him on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As they walked around the office, the girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked her what was wrong. As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”

A HOLE-IN-ONE TALE

Submitted by Pat Butler

An octogenarian moved to a new town and was eager to join the local golf club. On his first visit, he was itching to play but discovered all the members were already on the course. He persistently expressed his desire to play until the assistant pro agreed to accompany him, asking how many extra strokes he’d want to wager. The 80-year-old said “I really don’t need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps.” 

True to his word, he played spectacularly. As they reached the 18th hole, the scores were tied. The pro landed a safe par, but the senior’s shot veered into a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker, he hit a high ball that landed on the green and rolled into the hole for a birdie, sealing the match and winning him the pot.

Watching his elderly opponent still in the bunker, the pro quipped, “Nice shot! But I thought you have a problem getting out of sand traps?”

“I do,” the old man replied. “Please give me a hand. 

NO DOGS ALLOWED

Submitted by Lucy Wilkinson

A man goes to a bar with his dog and asks for a drink. 

The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” the man says.

“Oh, man. I’m sorry,” says the bartender, “Here, the first one’s on me.” 

The man takes his drink to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first man stops him and says, “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell the bartender it’s a seeing-eye dog.” 

The second man graciously thanks the first and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. 

The bartender says, “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here.”

“This is my seeing-eye dog,” the second man replies. 

The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. I have never heard of them having Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.”

The man pauses and replies, “What? They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

PALM SUNDAY

Submitted by Audrey Garcia

It was Palm Sunday and, because of strep throat, Sue’s 3-year-old son had to stay home from church with a babysitter. When the family returned home carrying palm branches, he asked what they were for.

“People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his mother explained.

“Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I didn’t go and he showed up!”

10 ONE LINERS

Submitted by Gertrude Prins Travis

Why don’t scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything!

What do you call fake spaghetti?

An impasta!

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

Why don’t skeletons fight each other?

They don’t have the guts.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator!

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Why don’t eggs tell jokes?

They’d crack each other up.

Why was the math book sad?

Because it had too many problems. 

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?

An abdominal snowman. 

A FEW CHUCKLES

Submitted by Jan Weeks

Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone to call and check on me every day. He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.

We’re not aging—we are ripening to perfection.

Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by two minutes. I’ve done the math. It seems I died in 1537.

We all know mirrors don’t lie. I’m just grateful that they don’t laugh.

It helps if you imagine autocorrect as a tiny little elf in your phone who’s trying so hard to be helpful but is quite drunk.