SCOTCH & WATER

Submitted by Paula Singleton

A lady on a cruise ship goes to the bar and orders a scotch with two drops of water. 

As the bartender hands her the drink, she says, “I’m celebrating my 80th birthday today.” 

The bartender says, “Since it’s your birthday, this one is on me.”

As the octogenarian nears the end of her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”

The old woman says, “Why, thank you! Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water.” 

As she finishes the second drink, the man to her left says, “I’d like to buy you one, too.”

The old woman thanks him and says, “Bartender, I want another scotch with two drops of water.” 

As he hands her the drink, the bartender says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole ’nother issue.”

FORGETFUL

Submitted by Sam Wells

William’s wife convinced him to see a doctor, but he was a little worried when the doctor came into the exam room. Sensing his patient’s nervousness, the doctor asked what was troubling him. 

“I seem to be getting more forgetful,” he replied. “I’m never sure I remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there—if I get there. So I really need your help. What can I do?”

The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Please pay me in advance.”

GOLF BALL

Submitted by Bill Perkins

“How was your golf game, Jack?” his wife Tammy asked.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went,” Jack replied.

“You’re 75 years old, Jack,” she said. “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”

“He’s 85 and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” Jack protested.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” Tammy pointed out.

The next day, Jack teed off while Scott looked on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

“Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot, “ said Scott.

IDENTITY

Submitted by Bob Lewis

A driver gets pulled over.

The police officer says, “Can you identify yourself, sir?”

The driver pulls out his mirror, looks into it and says, “Yes, that’s me.”

TWO PIRATES

Submitted by Lynne Hart

Two pirates named Morty and Sol meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand and a wooden peg leg. 

“Ye gads, matey!” exlaimed Morty. “What happened to ya?”

Sol says, “Me ship was attacked and a lucky shot lopped off me leg! So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer hand?” asks Marty.

“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”

“Okay, but what’s with the eye patch?”

“I was standin’ on a dock and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”

“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”

“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”

CATCH THE TRAIN

Submitted by Emma Russell

A man is running late for his train. He looks across the field ahead of him and yells to the farmer, “Would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.” 

HEAVENLY SIGNS

Submitted by Ollie Schmidt

In heaven, there are two huge signs. 

The first read, “Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do.” The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. 

The second sign read, “Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do.” Only one man stood under that sign. 

St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself.”

The man shrugged and said, “There’s not much to say; my wife told me to stand here.”

BAD DOCTOR

Submitted by Jim Hutton

Doc Sullivan, a small-town doctor of short stature and shorter on medical talents, was walking down Main Street when he saw one of his patients coming the other way. As they passed each other, Doc said, “Hey Joe, I haven’t seen you in quite some time!” Without making eye contact, Joe responded, “I know. I’ve been sick.”

MILK BATH

Submitted by M L Madsen

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave her 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he thought it must’ve been a mistake, so he knocked on the door to clarify. 

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”

The blonde said, “I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”

The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”

The blonde said, “No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes.” 

EARLY BIRD

Submitted by Ed Flemming

A guy shows up late for work. 

His boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8:30!” 

“Why?” the guy asks. “What happened at 8:30?”

KNOCK, KNOCK & CHICKENS

Submitted by Mary Moreno

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Opportunity!
That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Yah!
Yah who?
No thanks, I’m more of a Google person.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To hunt somebody down.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there? 
The chicken.