PREACHER’S DAY OFF

Submitted by Kevin Caldwell

The town’s preacher was also an avid golfer. On every possible occasion, he was out on the course, perfecting his swing.

One Sunday, the weather was ideal for golf: sunny skies, no clouds and perfect temperatures. The preacher faced a tough decision: skip church for golf, or miss this perfect day to fulfill his duties. 

The temptation of the golf course won out and he called in sick, drove three hours to a remote course where nobody knew him and started his game.

Up in heaven, an angel was watching the preacher and his actions troubled him. So he went to God. 

“This preacher skipped church for golf. Surely he deserves some consequences,” the angel suggested.

God nodded and they both watched as the preacher prepared to tee off at the first hole. With a smooth swing, the ball soared through the air and landed straight in the hole—a perfect 350-yard hole-in-one.

Stunned, the angel turned to God. “I thought he was going to be punished.”

God smiled and replied, “Think about it. Who can he tell?”

DENTIST APPOINTMENT

Submitted by Jeanne Arnett

A man who had recently moved from China to the United States was still adjusting to the language and customs here. One day, he developed a severe toothache and decided to call a dentist for an appointment. When the receptionist answered, she asked, “Two-thirty?” Misunderstanding, he replied, “Yes, my tooth hurty. That’s why I’m calling!”

THE GREAT COMPOSERS

Submitted by Elmer Bell

Stallone, Van Damme and Schwarzenegger decide to collaborate on a movie about famous classical composers. After some discussion, Stallone says, “I’ll be Beethoven.” Van Damme says, “Okay, great. I’ll be Mozart.” Having not much choice left, Schwarzenegger finally says, “It’s a deal. I’ll be Bach.”

MEN ARE LIKE…

Submitted by Leslie Swanson

Bank accounts: Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

Blenders: You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

Chocolate bars: Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Coffee: The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

Commercials: You can’t believe a word they say.

Computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Coolers: Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Copiers: You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

Curling irons: They’re always in your hair.

Government bonds: They take so long to mature.

Horoscopes: They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Lava lamps: Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Mascara: They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

ONE YEAR TO LIVE

Submitted by Todd Boyd

A man received some distressing news from his doctor: he had a severe illness and only a year left to live. Seeking guidance, he decided to speak with his pastor. After sharing his situation, he asked if there was anything he could do.

The pastor thought for a moment, then said, “You should go out and buy an old Dodge pickup from the late ’70s or early ’80s. Then, find the ugliest woman you can and marry her. Finally, buy an old trailer house in the Oklahoma panhandle.”

Puzzled, the man asked, “Will this help me live longer?”

“No,” replied the pastor, “but it will certainly make the time you have left seem like forever.”

FISHING TRIP

Submitted by Glenda Hayes

Four guys have been taking the same fishing trip for years. Just two days before they’re scheduled to leave, Sam’s wife tells him he’s not going. Sam’s buddies are disappointed, but there’s little they can do.

When the three friends arrive at the campsite, they’re surprised to see Sam already there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking and a cold beer in hand.

“Sam, how long have you been here? And how on earth did you convince your wife to let you go?” they ask.

Sam grins and says, “I got here last night. Yesterday, I was sitting in my chair when my wife snuck up and covered my eyes, asking, ‘Guess who?’ When I turned around, there she was in a nightie, leading me to our bedroom which was all set up with candles and rose petals. There were handcuffs and ropes on the bed. She asked me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. Then she told me, ‘Do whatever you want.’ So, here I am!”

LIFE PASSING YOU BY TOO QUICKLY?

Submitted by Jimmy Harmon

Feel like your life is passing by too quickly? Experts have suggested you try the following to slow time to a crawl:

• Go to the post office and mail a package.

• Call the cable company for repair service.

• Listen to the neighbor kid practice his drums.

• Go out to eat at a popular restaurant without reservations.

• Look for a short self-checkout line at Walmart.

• Call someone overseas for computer help.

• Try to open a plastic produce bag at the grocery store.

• Schedule a colonoscopy.

• Have a flat tire and wait for AAA to arrive.

• Buy a new car and read the owner’s manual. 

ENGINEERING MARVELS

Submitted by Alex Rowe

Three engineering students were gathered to discuss the possible designers of the human body. 

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?” 

COST OF LIVING

Submitted by Judy Ladue

I’m baffled by how a funeral home can raise its prices and blame it on the cost of living. It must be because people are just dying to get in there! But seriously, isn’t that a grave mistake?