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BEACON Senior News - Western Colorado

Laughing Matters: Wedding whimsy and golf gags

Laughing Matters Zebra

COLORADO COWBOY

Submitted by Jaime Santiago

A Colorado cowboy enters a bar and orders three mugs of Coors, each time sipping from them in succession. When he’s finished, he orders three more.

The bartender, curious, suggests, “You know, the beer stays fresher if you buy them one at a time.”

The cowboy explains, “Well, my two brothers are overseas. We vowed to remember our shared drinks back home. So, I drink one for each of them and one for myself.”

Moved by the story, the bartender nods and serves him as usual. Over time, the cowboy’s routine becomes familiar to all.

However, one day, he orders only two mugs. The bar quiets, sensing a sad change. Returning for a refill, the bartender expresses his condolences.

The cowboy chuckles and reassures him, “Oh, no worries. Everyone’s fine. It’s just that I’ve joined a new church with my wife and gave up drinking. My brothers, though? They’re still enjoying their beers!”


SHARING EVERYTHING

Submitted by Elmer Ferguson

At McDonald’s, an elderly man carefully placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. Upon receiving his meal, he divided the hamburger in half, one for him and the other for his wife. He then counted the French fries, creating two equal piles and setting one in front of his wife. They shared the drink, taking turns sipping from the same cup.

As the old man began to eat, onlookers started to whisper, moved by the scene, thinking, “What a poor couple, sharing a single meal between them.”

A kind-hearted young man approached their table, offering to buy them another meal. The old man declined, saying they were fine and accustomed to sharing everything. 

As the meal continued, it was noticeable that the old woman hadn’t eaten anything yet; she just sat, watching her husband eat and taking turns with the drink.

The young man returned, insisting on buying another meal. This time, the old woman gently refused, echoing her husband’s words, “We share everything.”

As the meal drew to a close, with the old man cleaning his face, the young man approached one more time, concerned for the old lady who still hadn’t eaten. “What are you waiting for?” he asked.

With a smile, the old woman replied, “The teeth.” 


THREE WISHES

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A man strolling along the beach stumbles upon an ancient lamp. He rubs it, and out pops a genie, who offers him three wishes. However, there’s a catch: whatever the man wishes for, every lawyer in the country will receive double.

The man thinks for a moment and then says, “I wish for a million dollars.”

POOF! Immediately, a million dollars appears.

The genie nods and says, “Done. And now, every lawyer has just received two million dollars.”

For his second wish, the man says, “I’d like a 100-foot yacht.”

POOF! A yacht appears.

The genie informs him, “Now every lawyer has received two 100-foot yachts.”

For his final wish, the man says: “You know, I’ve never really liked lawyers. So for my last wish, I’d like to donate one of my kidneys to someone in need.”


IT’S WHAT WE EAT

Submitted by Kim Duncan

The Japanese eat very little fat and have fewer heart attacks compared to the British or Americans. The French indulge in a lot of fats, yet they too have fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink minimal red wine, yet still have fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conversely, the Italians consume a lot of red wine and similarly have fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.


GOLF WIDOWS

Submitted by Marcie Abbott

As the bride walked down the aisle, she noticed her groom waiting at the altar with his golf clubs by his side. Puzzled, she asked, “Why are your golf clubs here?” 

He replied, earnestly, “This ceremony isn’t going to last all day, is it?”


HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN

Submitted by Alberta Caldwell

During Sunday school, a teacher asked the kids, “If I sold my house and car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”

“No!” they all shouted.

“What if I cleaned the church every day, mowed the lawn and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, they all answered, “No!”

So I asked, “How can I get into heaven then?”

A 5-year-old boy yelled, “You gotta be dead!”


DEAR JOHN LETTER

Submitted by Alaine Frazier

An Army ranger stationed in Afghanistan received a letter from his girlfriend back home. In the letter, she explained she’d moved on to two other boyfriends and wanted to break up. She also requested her pictures back.

The ranger collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find from his buddies, packed about 25 of them, and sent them to his girlfriend with a note: “Sorry, I can’t remember which one you are. Please take the one that’s yours and send the rest back. Thanks.”


BLOND MAN JOKES

Submitted by Thomas Olson

A man brings his goldfish to the vet.

“I think it has epilepsy,” the man explains.

After examining the fish in its bowl, the vet says, “It looks pretty tranquil to me.”

The man replies, “Of course it does—I haven’t taken it out of the water yet!”


A man finds a letter on his doormat. The envelope reads, “Do not bend.” He spends the next hour trying every possible way to pick it up without bending down.


BRITISH CLASSIFIEDS

Submitted by Della Stevens

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER

8 years old, hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 cocker spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. 


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