HOUSEWORK CHALLENGED

Submitted by Leslie Sparks

One day, my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “Colorado Mesa University.”

BLOND MAN JOKE #1

Submitted by Wilson Edwards 

#1: A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor’s receptionist asks.

“No!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

#2: A blond man was driving home drunk. Suddenly, he swerves to avoid a tree, then another and another. 

A cop pulls him over. The man tells the cop about all the trees in the road. 

The cop says, “That’s your air freshener swinging about.”

BILL, THE MAILMAN

Submitted by Doris Park

The mailman drives the same route every day. One morning, a girl was playing outside her house and called out, “Hi, Bill!” 

Though that wasn’t the mailman’s name, he cheerily replied, “Hi!”

This went on for weeks until the mailman saw the girl’s mother. He asked, “Why does your daughter keep calling me Bill?”

The mother turned red and replied, “Because whenever I see you coming, I tell her, ‘Here come the bills.’“

DOGGY DIAL

Submitted by Dixie Roy

I was working as a telemarketer for a home security firm. Once, while reciting all the benefits to a potential customer, he interrupted me and said, “We don’t need it because we have a big dog.”

“That’s great,” I replied. “But can he dial 911?”

GOLF WIDOW

Submitted by Dana Soto

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to ensure the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then decides on the wording: “Fred Brown died.”

Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor tells her there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and, in a few seconds, says, “In that case, let it read, ‘Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.’”

REALITY CHECK

Submitted by Jeff Wood

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. 

“Yes,” he replied.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1962.”

“Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?” 

PRICEY PARROTS

Submitted by Julie Gomez

One day, a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.

The man asks the clerk, “How much is the yellow one?”

The clerk says, “$2,000.”

The man is shocked and asks the clerk why it’s so expensive.

The clerk explains, “This parrot is a very special one. He knows typing and can type really fast.”

“What about the green one?” the man asks.

“He costs $5,000 because he types and can answer telephone calls and take notes.”

“What about the red one?” the man asks.

The clerk says, “That one’s $10,000.”

The man says, “What does HE do?”

The clerk says, “I don’t know, but the other two call him boss.”

LITERARY WORKS

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

There’s the college kid who always falls asleep in English Lit. The professor throws a copy of “The Canterbury Tales” and hits the kid in the head. Startled, the kid asks, “What just hit me?” The professor replied, “A flying Chaucer.”

THE ROBOT

Submitted by Ben Kuckel

A father purchased a robot that slaps someone whenever they lie.

One evening at the dinner table, the father asked his son:

“What did you do this afternoon?”

“I worked on my homework,” replied the son. The robot slapped the son.

“Okay” the son said, “my buddies and I were watching a movie.”

The father asked, “What movie were you watching?”

The son replied, “Toy Story.” The robot slapped the son again.

“Okay, okay, okay, we were watching an X-rated movie,” the son admitted.

The father became irate and said, “What?! I didn’t even know what X-rated movies were when I was your age!” 

The robot slapped the father.

The mother chimed in, “Well, he sure is your son!” 

The robot slapped the mother.

COMMENTS TO SAY TO YOUR WIFE

Submitted by Renee Cole

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST: Here’s $50.

ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.

SHORT JOKES

Submitted by Hap Jordan

A termite walks into a bar and asks,
“Is the bar tender here?”

A shipment of Viagra was stolen yesterday by a gang of old men.
Police are now on the lookout for these hardened criminals.

Someone found a hole in the nudist colony fence.
Police are looking into it.