THE ARM OF THE LAW

Submitted by Elliot Townsend

A DEA agent stopped by a farm to talk to an old rancher.

The agent said, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”

“Okay, but don’t go into that field over there,” the rancher said, pointing behind the barn.

The agent became angry and told the rancher, “Look, mister, I have the full weight of the federal government behind me.”

He reached into his back pocket, pulled out a shiny badge and waved it over his head.

“See this?” he said. “This badge means I can go wherever I want to, look where I want to, and answer to nobody!”

The rancher kindly nodded and went about his chores.

Moments later, he heard loud yelling, which turned into screams, and he saw the agent running for his life, pursued by the rancher’s prized bull. Throwing down his tools, the old rancher ran as fast as he could to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs, “Your badge! Show him your badge!”

FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES

Submitted by Melanie McNab

The preacher’s Sunday sermon topic was about forgiving your enemies. After a long talk, he asked his congregation how many were willing to forgive. About half raised their hands. Unsatisfied, he lectured for another 20 minutes and asked again. This time, about 80 percent responded.

Still not content, he continued for 15 more minutes and repeated his question. Now, everyone raised their hand—except for one elderly lady in the back.

“Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” he asked.

“I don’t have any,” she replied.

“Mrs. Jones, that’s very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-three,” she said.

“Please tell the congregation how a person can live to be 93 without an enemy in the world,” he urged.

“It’s easy,” she said. “I outlived them all.”

MAGIC ELEVATOR

Submitted by Leia Bentley

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father watched with amazement, a large older lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled herself into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a young, voluptuous blonde woman stepped out.

At that point, the father said quietly to his son, “Go get your mother.”

Submitted by Jay Schmidt

I visited my dentist’s office for an appointment a few days before Halloween. A large bowl of candy was at the check-in desk for patients to help themselves. I told the dental technician I had never seen dentists give away candy at the office. She replied, “Job security.”

MAD MONEY

Submitted by Zoe Neal

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years, Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $2,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

“My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $2,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the doilies.”

RETIRED ROBOT

Submitted by Jayson DeMers

What would the terminator be called in his retirement?

The exterminator. 

PREGNANCY CRAVINGS

Submitted by Francie Mion

These are recipes my pregnant millennial friend shared with me, and honestly, they seem pretty similar to what her kid will likely eat when he’s a toddler.

• Maple and brown sugar oatmeal cooked in French vanilla creamer. Top with Goldfish crackers.

• Goldfish crackers on a bed of Cheez-Its, drizzled with Skittles and Milk Duds.

• Heat up a ramen bowl, smash Oats ’n Honey granola bars on top, and garnish with gummy bears and yogurt.

• Order bean and cheese burritos from Taco Bell. Add nacho cheese and sour cream. Repeat until you regret all your life choices.

BIRTHDAY GIFT

Submitted by Karl Knebl

A friend of artist Toulouse-Lautrec presented him with a belt for his birthday. Because it was too short, Toulouse struggled to fit it around his waist. His friend asked him “Is the belt too tight, too loose?”

FULL HOUSE CALL

Submitted by Felix Galvan

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

“We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.

“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor. 

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”

“Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already.”

THEN VS. NOW

Submitted by Micki Radisson

• Long hair vs. longing for hair

• Keg vs. EKG

• Acid rock vs. acid reflux

• Moving to California because it’s cool vs. moving to California because it’s warm

• Pot vs. potbelly

• Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor vs. trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

• Paar vs. AARP

• Hoping for a BMW vs. hoping for a BM

• Going out to a new, hip joint vs. getting a new hip joint

• Rolling Stones vs. kidney stones

• Passing the driver’s test vs. passing the vision test

• Whatever vs. Depends