SENIOR PICK UP LINES

Submitted by W. Rhodes

How about I take you home and show you my medicine cabinet? 

My teeth and I no longer sleep together—but you and I definitely should.

Getting lucky usually means finding my car in the parking lot, but tonight, you could change that.

My war buddies over there bet I wouldn’t be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. How about we use their money to buy some drinks?

How’d you like to help me feel like a kid again?

I might be a retired photographer, but I can still picture us together.

If I had to choose between breathing and loving you… I’d take my last breath to say, “I love you.”

You must be a garden, ’cause I’m digging you.

After I retired, I spent a lot of time gardening, but now all I can think about is putting your tulips and my tulips (two-lips) together.

Baby, is your name Cholesterol? Because you’re making my blood pressure skyrocket!

Just wait until you see the size of my…Social Security check.

How’d you like to be in my will?

Your company is so delightful, I’m contemplating putting a new battery in my hearing aid.

You’re so sweet, you’re giving my dentures cavities.

UNEXPECTED GUEST

Submitted by Wendi Mendez

After work, a man brings his best friend home for dinner—completely unannounced.

His wife immediately starts yelling, “My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are dirty, I’m still in my pajamas and I’m not cooking dinner! What on earth made you bring him home?”

The husband calmly replies, “Because he’s thinking of getting married.”

GETTING ON WITH GRANDMA

Submitted by Lonnie Wheeler

A drunken old man stumbles into a biker bar, orders a drink and notices three bikers sitting at a corner table. He staggers over, leans toward the biggest, meanest-looking biker and says:

“I went by your grandma’s house today. Saw her in the hallway, buck-naked. Man, she is one fine woman!”

The biker stays silent.

The drunk leans in again and says, “I got it on with your grandma. She’s good—the best I’ve ever had!”

Still, the biker says nothing.

Finally, the drunk smirks, leans in one more time and says, “And you know what else? Your grandma liked it!”

The biker stands, grabs the drunk by the shoulders, looks him in the eyes and says, “Grandpa, go home!”

HOW TO TELL A JOKE

Submitted by Robert F. Lewis

Two brothers, who had worked together for years, were known for constantly telling each other jokes.

One day, one of them suggested, “Why don’t we number our jokes to save time?” The other agreed, and soon they had all their jokes memorized by number.

One afternoon, someone walked by and overheard one brother shout, “Five eighty-one!” They both burst into laughter. Then the other called out, “Two forty-one!” and they were in hysterics.

Curious, the passerby asked, “What’s so funny?” The brothers explained their numbering system.

Eager to join in, the passerby shouted, “One fifty-eight!”

The brothers looked at each other, stone-faced. One shook his head and said, “Some people just don’t know how to tell a joke.”

THE TRUTH ABOUT KIDS

Submitted by Tricia Wilson

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is plenty.

Q: I’m two months pregnant. When will my baby move?
A: Hopefully, right after they graduate college.

Q: What’s the most reliable way to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that she’s borderline irrational.
A: And your question is...?

Q: My childbirth instructor says labor isn’t painful, just “pressure.” Is she right?
A: Sure, the same way a tornado is just an air current.

Q: Do I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Only if the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes—pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the diaper fast enough.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

SOUTH AMERICAN RIDDLE

Submitted by Steve Luera

Why is Argentina like chile con carne?

Because it’s famous for cattle ranches on the Pampas, ranked as the 4th largest beef producer in the world in 2019. And it’s right next to Chile!

For those who don’t speak Spanish, carne means meat, and con means with. So, Argentina is basically “Chile, with cows!”

CHOSEN CAREER

Submitted by Ida Cooley

After church one Sunday morning, a young boy turned to his mother and proudly announced, “Mom, I’ve decided I’m going to be a minister when I grow up.”

His mother smiled and asked, “That’s wonderful, but what made you decide that?”

The boy shrugged and replied, “Well, I already have to go to church every Sunday. I figure it’ll be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen!”

OVER THE TREES

Submitted by Jerry Hunt

An old man and a 20-year-old are paired together at a golf tournament. They find themselves on a long par-5 hole with a dogleg around some tall trees.

As the 20-year-old sets up his tee shot to play it safe down the fairway, the old man chimes in, “When I was your age, we used to hit over the trees—not around them.”

Feeling challenged, the 20-year-old readjusts and aims for the skies. He swings hard, but his ball hits the trees and disappears. Determined, he tries again—only to lose another ball.

The old man watches quietly before finally adding, “Of course, when I was your age, the trees were only six feet tall.”