FIRST FLIGHT 

Submitted by Corina Cole

A blonde is flying on a Boeing for the first time. Excited, she starts jumping on her seat, shouting, “Boeing! Boeing! Boeing!”

The pilot, visibly annoyed, walks up to her and says, “Be silent!”

For a moment, she stops. Then she starts jumping again, shouting, “Oeing! Oeing! Oeing!”

WHAT IS THREE TIMES THREE?

Submitted By Mike Madsen

Three elderly men visit the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?”

“274,” the first man confidently replies.

The doctor, puzzled, turns to the second man and asks, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”

“Tuesday,” the second man answers without hesitation.

Shaking his head, the doctor looks at the third man and says, “Okay, your turn. What is three times three?”

The third man thinks for a moment and finally says, “Nine!”

The doctor, relieved, exclaims, “That’s correct! How did you figure it out?”

The third man proudly grins and says, “Easy! I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday!”

The doctor sighs and realizes that while one of them got the right answer, all three may still need a follow-up appointment!

WORK OR PLEASURE

Submitted by Ric Keagle

A U.S. Marine colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was work and how much was pleasure. 

A major chimed saying it was 75 percent work and 25 percent pleasure.

A captain said it was fifty-fifty.

A lieutenant responded saying it was 75 percent pleasure and 25 percent work, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. 

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion. 

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, “Sir, it has to be 100 percent pleasure.”

“Why do you say that?” the colonel asked.

“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

TOURING HEAVEN

Submitted by Florence Adams

An elderly couple was killed in a car accident and found themselves in heaven. Just after their arrival, St. Peter appeared and gave them a tour of heaven. 

“Here is your oceanside condo, and over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool and two golf courses,” St. Peter said. “If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.”

“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when St. Peter walked off, “We could have been here 10 years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ and low-fat diets.”

NO DOGS IN THE BAR

Submitted by Cloie Sandlin

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. 

The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here.”

Without missing a beat, the guy says, “This is my seeing-eye dog.” 

“Oh, man,” the bartender says, “I’m sorry. Here, the first one’s on me.” 

The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guy sees him, stops him and says, “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.” 

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. 

The bartender says, “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here.”

“This is my seeing-eye dog,” the second man replies. 

The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. I have never heard of them having Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.” 

The man pauses and replies, “What? They gave me a Chihuahua?”

LAST REQUEST

Submitted by Frank Bunker

A cowboy and a biker are on death row and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes and they are brought to the electric chair. 

The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request. 

The cowboy replies, “I shore do, warden. I’d be mighty grateful if you’d play ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ fur me before I hafta go.”

“We can sure do that,” says the warden. 

He turns to the biker and asks, “And you, biker, what’s your last request?”

The biker responds, “That you kill me first.”

SHORT FORTUNE TELLER

Submitted by Lacy Todd

Madame Nyteshade could tell fortunes and was a midget. The local authorities had her arrested because they said fortune telling was fraudulent. She was placed in a holding cell but was able to squeeze between the bars and escape. The judge ordered the local newspaper to print an article about her escape. The following was printed in the paper the next day: “Small medium at large.”

DYSLEXIC ATHIEST & OTHER MUSINGS

Submitted by Richard Frost

A dyslexic atheist lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body amputated?

He’s all right now.

NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH

Submitted by Heather Portenier 

As I’ve gotten older, I seem to have less and less patience for our neighborhood children. I’ve become the grouchy, “Get off my lawn, you whippersnappers!” person I never thought I’d be. 

Now that I’m an empty nester, I have a lot of spare time on my hands, so I designated myself the sole Neighborhood Watch member. Not looking out for actual crimes per se—just tattling on kids to their parents. Call me the Whippersnapper Whistleblower!

I CAME, I SAW, I TOLD JOKES

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

Accountant: A guy who would marry Raquel Welch for her money.

Why is it that when you want to put in your 2 cents worth, they’ll only give you a penny for your thoughts?

Ms. Smith teaches high school Latin. She wrote on the blackboard: vine, vidi, vici. Underneath, she wrote, I came, I saw, I conquered. “Can someone write a similar phrase?”

The class clown wrote, “Volvo, video, Velcro.”

Ms. Smith asked, “What does that mean?”

“I came, I saw, I stuck around,” he said.