Moving in with a parent to ensure their safety can be both rewarding and frustrating, especially when they resist help. The tension often arises not just from the tasks themselves but from the deeper issue of independence.

I know this struggle firsthand. When my wife, Marilyn, began misplacing dishes and utensils—stashing dishes in the oven and putting silverware in the microwave—it drove me crazy. I couldn’t find anything! When I tried to help her, she objected.

“Let me do it,” she insisted.

At the time, I thought I was being helpful, but looking back, I see that I was trying to avoid the inconvenience of searching for things. 

Plus, my interference sent an unintended message: that she wasn’t doing it right. To her, my well-meaning corrections felt like I was questioning her competence.

This struggle highlights a key issue in caregiving: the balance between agency and personhood. 

Agency is a person’s ability to make decisions and act independently. In old age or with neurocognitive disorders, agency diminishes, requiring more assistance with daily activities. However, losing agency doesn’t mean losing personhood—the dignity and recognition of being a capable, autonomous individual.

By stepping in too quickly, I may have made my wife feel as though I was treating her like a child, denying her sense of personhood. This can be upsetting, as our loved ones still see themselves as the capable adults they’ve always been. 

As caregivers, our job is to help them maintain personhood by supporting their independence and dignity while helping them navigate the loss of agency.

Just because we believe we can do something better or want to help doesn’t mean we should immediately take over.  A simple “Would you like some help with that?” acknowledges their right to make decisions. It offers them a choice, reinforcing their agency, affirming their personhood and making them feel valued. 

Of course, there will be times when asking doesn’t yield the answer you want. When I asked Marilyn if she wanted help with the dishwasher, she said no. I didn’t argue. Instead, I watched her misplace things and later quietly put them back in the right places.  It took extra effort on my part, but it allowed her to maintain her independence while preserving her dignity.

Caregiving isn’t just about doing what’s best—it’s about doing what’s best in a way that honors the person receiving care. By approaching these moments with patience, you can provide support without making your loved one feel like they’ve lost themselves in the process.