HALLOWEEN JOKES

Submitted by Alberta &
John Harmon

How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

Why did the mermaid cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.

What’s a vampire’s favorite drink?
Bloodweiser

A skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop.

What’s a skeleton’s favorite food?
Spare ribs

What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts?
Pharaoh Rocher

What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert?
Boo-berry pie

Why don’t monsters eat ghosts?
They taste like sheet.

Why do they put a fence around the cemetery?
Because people are dying to get in.

What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip my bag with candy.

Why did the wolf meditate?
He wanted to become aware-wolf.

Why does Waldo wear stripes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

Why did the skeleton go to the Halloween party alone?
Because he had no body to go with him.

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the boos 

What’s Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Munster

Why don’t vampires have many friends?
They can be a pain in the neck.

What’s a witch’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick-or-treating?
They don’t have the guts.

What’s a zombie’s favorite kind of bean?
A human bean.

Why don’t mummies take vacations?
Because they’re afraid to unwind.

RED LIGHT

Submitted by Sophie McClure

Two older women, Mildred and Ethel, were out driving in a large car, both barely able to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but Mildred drove right through.

Ethel thought, I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.

A few minutes later, they came to another intersection. Again, the light was red, and again, Mildred drove right through. Now Ethel was really nervous.

At the next intersection, the light was red, and once more, Mildred drove straight through.

Finally, Ethel turned to her friend and said, “Mildred, did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred looked at her in shock and said, “Oh no! Am I driving?”

THE GOOD OL’ DAYS

Submitted by Jacob Clayton

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was drifting off to sleep but the wife was in a romantic mood.

“You used to hold my hand when we were courting,” she said. 

Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.” 

Mildly irritated, he gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down again.

Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the covers and got out of bed. 

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!” he answered.

RAISE REALITY

Submitted by Sophie McClure

I got a raise today. It was my medication dosage, but I’ll take what I can get.

NIGHTLY PRAYERS

Submitted by Sheena Moore

A rabbi said to a precocious 6-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?”

The boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

A WOMAN’S LIFE STAGES

Submitted by Amelia Ricker

1. To grow up

2. To fill out

3. To slim down

4. To hold it in

5. To hell with it

POLISH SAUSAGE

Submitted by Herb Jenkins

A man went into a store and asked for some Polish sausage.

The clerk asked, “Are you Polish?”

The guy, offended, said, “Well, yes. But let me ask you something. If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask if I was Italian? If I asked for German bratwurst, would you ask if I was German? If I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask if I was Jewish? A taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish? Canadian bacon, would you ask if I was Canadian?”

The clerk said, “Probably not.”

“Then why did you ask if I was Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?”

The clerk replied, “Because this is Home Depot.”

YOUTHFUL PRAYER

Submitted by Sheena Moore

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles, please no bags, please lift my butt before it sags.

Please no age spots, please no gray, and as for my belly, take it away.

Please keep me healthy, please keep me young.

And thank you Lord for all you’ve done. Amen.

THE MOTH

Submitted by Caroline Hudson

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office. 

The doctor asks, “What seems to be the problem?”

The moth sighs, “Where do I begin? I wake up in a malaise. I go to work for Gregory Illinivich but I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. He has power over me and that seems to bring him joy. At night I sometimes wake up next to an old lady I once loved but no longer recognize. My youngest, Alexandria, died last winter. My other boy, Gregarro, I no longer love either. When I look in his eyes all I see is cowardice—the same cowardice I see in my own reflection. Sometimes I think about ending it all, doc. Sometimes I feel like a spider, clinging to its web over a fire. I’m not feeling good.”

The doctor says, “You need a psychiatrist, not a podiatrist. Why did you come here?”

The moth replies, “Because the light was on.”  

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