A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO
UNDERSTANDING MEN

Submitted by Carole Cochran

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

All men hate to hear, “We need to talk about our relationship.” Those seven words strike fear in their hearts.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

Men forget everything. Women remember everything. Think about it: How many women’s sports use something called “instant replay”?

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say, “Oh no, I’m so embarrassed. I’ve got to get out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heat goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

Submitted by Bill Parker

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.

“The front row, please,” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that,” he said. “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.

“No,” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” the usher asked.

“No,” she said.

“Good,” he answered.

THE ROAD TRIP

Submitted by Sophia Prince

While on a holiday road trip to visit relatives, a couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When they left, the woman unknowingly forgot her glasses on the table. She didn’t realize it until about 20 minutes later. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to drive quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

All the way back, the husband was the classic grouchy old man. He fussed, complained and scolded his wife the entire drive. 

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, her husband yelled after her: “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

EYE TEST

Submitted by Oliver & Kendra Mac

A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver’s license and is told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a card with the letters: C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z

“Can you read this?” the examiner asks.

“Read it?” the man replies. “I know the guy.”

THE LIVING WILL

Submitted by Amie McNamara

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

QUICK LAUGHS

Submitted by Sarah O’Toole

Q. What do you call a magician who’s lost his magic?
A. Ian

Q. Why do ants never get sick?
A. Because they have tiny anti- bodies

Q. What happens if you are allergic to plantains?
A. You go into bananaphylactic shock.

Q. What has two butts and kills people?
A. An assassin

WHAT IF?

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

If you jog backward, will you gain weight?

If God meant for us to touch our toes, they’d be closer to our hands.

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear ear muffs?

If someone makes a point in the woods and no one’s around to disagree, are they still wrong?

If corn oil comes from corn and vegetable oil comes from vegetables, what does baby oil come from?

If love is blind, why does anyone dress up for a date?

If the No. 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

If you’re born again, do you end up with two belly buttons?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

NOT A SINGER

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

Many years ago, I decided to take voice lessons. Three things happened that convinced me I should probably skip a singing career.

Hint 1: My voice coach said he wished I had started lessons long ago.

“Why?” I asked. “Do you think I’d be an accomplished singer by now?”

“No,” he said, “but you might have quit before you got to me.”

Hint 2: My sister was visiting when she heard me practicing.

“I see you sing solo,” she said. “Could you sing so low that I can’t hear you?”

Hint 3: I auditioned for my church choir. 

The director said, “I think you should sing tenor—10 or 20 miles down the road.”

That did it.

CHANNELING STEPHEN WRIGHT

Submitted by Debbie Van Dyke

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. 

YOU’RE HOOKED ON
COFFEE WHEN...

Submitted by Rick Howard

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You introduce your spouse as your “coffee-mate.”

You’re offended when people use the word “brew” for beer.

You want to be cremated so you can spend eternity in a coffee can. 

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You’ve built a miniature city out of plastic stirrers.