FIRE TRUCK, PLEASE

Submitted by Bob Breazeale 

An old woman lives in a two-story home with upstairs bedrooms. One night she calls the fire chief, asking him to send a fire truck to her house.

“A man is climbing up a ladder right under my bedroom,” she said.

The fire chief said, “You need to call the sheriff.”

“No, you don’t understand,” she said. “I want a fire truck because this guy’s ladder isn’t long enough.”

COUNTERFEITER

Submitted by Carly Anderson

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills was in a small Southern town. So, he got in his new wheels and took off.

He found a tiny town with a single store, walked in and handed one of the bogus bills to the clerk.

“Can you change this for me, please?” he asked.

The clerk studied the $18 bill for a moment, then smiled.

“Sure, mister,” he said. “Y’all want two nines or three sixes?”

WALK ON WATER

Submitted by Arlene Lawson

All his life, Ole had heard about an amazing family tradition. His father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.

On that day, they’d walked across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

When Ole’s 21st birthday arrived, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out and nearly drowned. Corky barely managed to haul him back to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother.

“Grandma, it’s my 21st birthday,” Ole said. “Why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father and his father before him?”

Granny looked him in the eyes and said, “Honey, let me explain something. Your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July.”

NUDIST COLONY

Submitted by Dave Waterman

A man moves into a nudist colony. He gets a letter from his grandmother asking for a current photo of him in his new home.

Too embarrassed to let her know where he lives, he decides to cut a photo in half. Unfortunately, he accidentally mails the bottom half.

He panics when he realizes what he sent, but then remembers Grandma’s eyesight and hopes she won’t notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from her. It reads: “Thank you for the picture. You should change your hairstyle. It makes your nose look short. Love, Gran.”

JUST PLAIN BROKE

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

Did you hear about the guy who was in deep financial trouble? 

He tells his neighbor, “Last week my car was repossessed, my phone was disconnected and my water was cut off. I’m one missed electric bill payment from being Amish.”

GOOD ADVICE

Submitted by Wyatt Linke

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks what the problem is, and the wife launches into a tirade, listing every issue they’ve had in those 15 years. 

Finally, the counselor stands up, walks around the desk, hugs the woman and kisses her passionately. He rips off her clothes and makes passionate love to her. She stops talking and sits quietly, wearing a very satisfied daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, “That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?”

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf.”

WHAT A TROOPER

Submitted by Georgina Beech

A young woman is pulled over for speeding. As the state trooper walks up to her window, flipping open his ticket book, she says, “I bet you’re going to sell me a ticket to the State Police Ball.”

He replies, “State troopers don’t have balls.”

There’s a moment of silence as she smiles, and he realizes what he’s just said.

He closes his book, gets back in his patrol car and drives off.

8 RULES OF HOUSEKEEPING

Submitted by Willard Garnier

1. That grimy film on windows and screens provides a helpful filter against harmful aging rays. Call it SPF 5 and leave it alone.

2. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce glare, creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out the fixtures need dusting, look affronted and say, “What? And spoil the mood?”

3 In a pinch, claim the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers beside your chair provides the feng shui aspect of a tiger, reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say it.

4. Explain the mound of pet hair gathered at the doorways by saying you’re collecting it to stuff hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

5 If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you give your guests the tidy tour, rattle the doorknob vigorously, fake a growl and say, “I’d love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed, and the shots are SO expensive.”

6. If dusting is really out of control, place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist, “This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes…”

7. Don’t bother repainting. Scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, “Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident. I haven’t had the heart to clean it…”

8. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with 4 cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly, then leave damp rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch and sigh, “I clean and I clean, and I still don’t get anywhere…”

ST. PATRICK’S DAY JOKES

Submitted by Paddy O’Leary

Q. Why did the leprechaun bring a ladder to the bar?

A. Because he heard the drinks were on the house!

Q. Why do so many leprechauns love to garden?

A. Because they have green thumbs. 

Q. Why shouldn’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A. Because they’re always a little short.

Q. What’s the difference between wisdom and luck?

A.One is clever; the other is clover.

Q. How did the Irish jig get started? 

A. Too much water to drink and not enough restrooms.

Q. What did the Irish potato say to his sweetheart?
A. “I only have eyes for you.”