There are dozens of versions of this “how-to” classic, with just as many claims about where it came from. Its true origin is unclear, though many lines echo early Delta blues songs—back when musicians made guitars from cigar boxes and strings from screen door wire.

There’s no shortage of reasons to sing the blues. Rising costs, climate concerns, disappearing habitats—you name it. As Greta Thunberg put it, “Our house is on fire.” But most of that is just everyday worry. 

The blues isn’t just about feeling bad. It’s about hard luck, plain and simple. Here’s how to know if you’ve got it:

Most blues songs begin with “Woke up this morning.” That’s fine—just be ready to follow it with something that went wrong.

“I got a good woman”…careful. That line only works if you turn it sour, like “I got a good woman with the hardest face in town.”

Song structure is simple: get the first line right, repeat it, then finish with something that rhymes—more or less. Something like:

“Got a good woman with the hardest face in town. Enough to scare small children and she weighs 400 pounds.”

Teenagers don’t sing the blues. They’re not fixin' to die yet. You need to be old enough to understand consequences. In blues terms, adulthood means you’re old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

If you’re stuck in a ditch, you’re stuck. No options, no silver lining.

If you ask for water and Baby gives you gasoline, that’s the blues. So is muddy water or black coffee—especially if the grounds have already been used twice.

The blues can happen in places like New York, Chicago, St. Louis or Kansas City. Not Hawaii. Not Canada. And not anywhere without rain. If you’re in the desert—say, Tucson—that’s misery, not the blues.

You can’t have the blues in an office or shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. Dumpsters are great, especially if that’s where you sleep.

Other good locations include highways, jailhouses and empty houses—especially if the man you shot in Memphis died there. 

Bad locations include first-class restaurants, gallery openings and golf courses—unless you’re known as a world-class cheater.

You can only drive Chevys, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks, or get a one-way ticket on a Greyhound bus or southbound train. Not Volvos, BMWs or SUVs. Walking also helps. 

A bad hair day isn’t the blues. Male pattern baldness isn’t the blues—unless you’re a woman.

Breaking your leg while skiing isn’t the blues. Breaking your leg while an alligator is chomping on it is.

If it happens in a cheap motel or shotgun shack, it’s a blues death. Getting stabbed in the back by a jealous lover counts, too. So does the electric chair, substance abuse or dying lonely on a broken-down cot.

You can’t have a blues death during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

DO YOU QUALIFY? 

The blues isn’t about color. It’s about bad luck. Tiger Woods can’t sing the blues. Gary Coleman could have. 

You might qualify if you’re older than dirt, broke or down on your luck.

You probably don’t, if you’ve got all your teeth, a retirement plan or a trust fund.

LOOK THE PART 

No one will believe you’re singing the blues in a suit—unless you’re old and sleeping in it.

You need the right name, too. Blues women might be called Sadie, Big Mama or Bessie. Men might go by Joe, Willie or Big Willie.

If your name is Sierra, Sequoia or Rainbow, it’s going to be a tough sell.

MAKE YOUR OWN BLUES NAME

1. Start with an affliction—Blind, Cripple or Lame.

2. Add a fruit—Lemon works best.

3. Finish with a president’s name.

Now you’re ready to sing.  

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