Laughing matters, September 2016
Sep 12, 2016 10:14AM ● By BEACON Senior News
Merits
Submitted by Richard Reno
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter asked the cowboy, “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?”
“Well, I can think of one thing,” said the cowboy. “On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota I came upon a gang of bikers who were harassing a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I walked up to the biggest, baddest, most tattooed biker, and punched him in the face, ripped out his earring and tossed it to the ground, then kicked his bike over. I then yelled, “Now back off or I’ll kick the snot out of every last one of you!”
Impressed, St. Peter asked, “When did this happen?”
The cowboy replied, “A couple of minutes ago.”
Schooled
Submitted by Kevin Ray
A college professor reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any ex- cuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness or death in your immediate family, but that’s it. No other excuses!”
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class laughs and snickers. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and says sweetly, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
Visiting Fruita
Submitted by Nola Stephens
My niece from California recently visited my husband and me. We were driving in Fruita, heading up to the Colorado National Monument and Glade Park for a picnic, and happened to drive past the Di- nosaur Museum. As we drove past, I mentioned how we might go visit the museum during her stay, as she might find it interesting. My husband also began to talk of the many dinosaurs they’d recovered from the local land- scapes. My niece, who is beginning to have hearing problems, soon spoke up from the backseat and said, “Pardon me, but why would Dinah Shore have a museum here in Fruita, Colorado?”
Needless to say, we laughed all the way up the monument.
10 signs you are aging gracefully
Submitted by Charles Gross
1. You can split your pills with the precision of an Amsterdam diamond cutter.
2. You have reached the conclusion that it’s not such a good idea to clean your own gutters.
3. An open fly isn’t quite the embarrassment it used to be.
4. Gray hair makes you look distinguished. You should have dyed it years ago.
5. You can be thankful you didn’t marry that high school sweetheart. Ran into them the other day, and BOY, have they aged...
6. You’re glad you didn’t waste any more time learning to program that VCR years ago.
7. You have achieved a lifetime of useful knowledge and learned your parents were right all along.
8. You can take the time to stop, bend over and smell the roses. (At least that’s what you hope people will think when you have a sudden attack of gas.)
9. You survived the ’60s with no apparent brain damage.
10. You can skimp on the grandkids’ gifts once in awhile. Of course it upsets them, but what are they going to do? Cut you out of their will?
The prescription
Submitted by Genevra Shal
A seemingly nice and respectable lady went into a pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big. “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband,” he exclaimed, “that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw us both in jail! Absolutely not!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
Comedian favorites
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire,’ which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.” - Harry Hill
“A scout troop consists of 12 little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.” - Jack Benny
“I’m on the patch right now where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I’m gonna rip it off.” - Ellen DeGeneres
“The New England Journal of Medicine reports that nine out of 10 doctors agree that one out of 10 doctors is an idiot.” - Jay Leno
