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BEACON Senior News - Western Colorado

Laughing Matters, October 2016

Oct 03, 2016 01:01PM ● By BEACON Senior News

The note

Submitted by Dave Kennedy

A man comes home from work and finds a note from his wife on the fridge. It says, “This isn’t working. I’m going to stay with my sister.”

He opens the fridge and grabs a beer and thinks, “What does she mean this isn’t working? The light comes on and the beer is cold.”

He opens the fridge and grabs a beer and thinks, “What does she mean this isn’t working? The light comes on and the beer is cold.

Out of bounds

Submitted by James Birdsill

On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors, pointing out some of her rules.

“The female wing of the building will be out of bounds for all males, and the male wing to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”

An older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired, “How much for a season pass?”

Lunchtime blues

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

An Irishman, a Latino and a redneck are working at the top of a 100-story skyscraper under construction. On their lunch break, the Irishman opens his lunchbox and says, “Corned beef again? If I get corned beef tomorrow, I’m going to jump off this building. I’m sick and tired of the same old thing.”

The Latino opens his lunchbox and says, “Burritos? I’m sick of burritos. If I get burritos tomorrow, I’ll jump with you.” The redneck pulls a bologna sandwich out of his lunchbox and says, “I’m so sick of bologna. If I get it tomorrow, I’ll jump, too.”

The next day, the Irishman opens his lunchbox to find corned beef.

He says, “That’s it, I’m gone,” and he jumps. The Latino gets burritos and says, “I’m with you.” He jumps. The redneck gets bologna again and says, “Wait for me!” and he jumps.

At their funerals a few days later, the three wives are crying in mourning. The Irishman’s wife says, “If he would have told me he was tired of corned beef I would have made something different!”

The Latino’s wife says, “Me too. If only he would’ve said something.”

They both turn to the redneck’s wife, and she says, “Don’t look at me! He always made his own lunch.”

Schoolyard battle

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

While in the US Navy, I was stationed in Pensacola, Florida attending Communications School. One large class had two instructors: a Marine gunnery sergeant and a chief petty officer. One day they got into an argument. I heard loud voices and then shouting. The Marine said, “Is there anyone in this world dumber than a dumb sailor?” The chief said, “Yeah, a smart Marine.”

Then and now

Submitted by Stacey Splude

Then: Long hair Now: Longing for hair

Then: Crop top Now: Muffin top

Then: Praying for a BMW Now: Praying for a BM

Then: Going to a new, hip joint Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: Acid rock Now: Acid reflux

Then: Passing the driver’s test Now: Passing a vision test

Then: KEG Now: EKG

Then: Rolling Stones Now: Kidney stones

Then: Hot guys Now: Hot flash

New hearing aid

Submitted by R. Belcher

It seemed an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear 100 percent.

The elderly man went back in a month to the doctor who said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

“Oh, I haven’t told my family yet,” the man replied. “I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times.”

Earning your riches

Submitted by Otis Padget

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for 10 cents. The next morning, I invested those 10 cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month. By the end of the month, I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

The young man stared at the older guy.

“Then,” the old man said, “My wife’s father died and left us $2 million.”