Thank God Submitted by Jerome Bowles I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, and fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind and can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine. I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia. I have poor circulation—I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. I’ve lost all my friends. But thank God I still have my driver's license.

The loan Submitted by Kim Latham A lady walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. As collateral, the lady hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the lady returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “We are very happy to have had your business but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The lady replied, “Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?”

Flash Submitted by Kevin Ray A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

The workhorse Submitted by Anthony Flory An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolate area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big, strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try.”

With age comes wisdom Submitted by Kelli McCullough A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride." The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What? Are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Football game Submitted by Ada Mazrin A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ It's only 25 cents!"

Her first wedding Submitted by Cherie Isley Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"" The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"