Christmas stamps

Submitted by Pat Jessup

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas card envelopes. She says to the clerk, “May I have 70 Christmas stamps?”

The clerk says, “What denomination?”

The woman says, “Lord help us. Has it come to this? Give me nine Catholic, 12 Episcopalian, eight Methodist, nine Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”

Childbirth at 65

Submitted by Karen Jones

With all the new fertility technology, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital, a friend came to visit.

“May I see the new baby?” the friend asked

“Not yet,” the woman said. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”

Thirty minutes passed, then the friend asked, “May I see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet,” said the woman.

After another few minutes had elapsed, the friend asked again, “May I see the baby now?”

“No, not yet,” replied the woman.

Growing very impatient, her friend asked, “Well, when can I see the baby?”

“When he cries!” the new mother said.

“When he cries?” demanded her friend. “Why do I have to wait until he cries?”

“Because I forgot where I put him, okay?”

First date

Submitted by Tami Durfee

After a first date, a young man takes the girl back to her home. He decides to try for their first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?”

Embarrassed, she replies, “Oh, I couldn’t do that. My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

“No, please. I would just die of embarrassment if someone saw us.”

“Oh come on, there’s nobody around. They’re all sleeping!”

“No way. It’s just too risky!”

“Oh please, please! I like you so much!”

“No. I like you too, but I just can’t!”

“Please?”

Suddenly the porch light turns on and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice, the sister says, “Mom says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, she’ll come down herself and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button.”

What was that again?

Submitted by Ron Beaslin

A retired man was driving along when a Highway Patrol car urgently pulled him over. The officer asked the old man if he realized his wife had fallen out of the car a mile back.

“Oh, thank God!” said the man. “I thought I was going deaf.”

The trophy wife

Contributed by William Stanton

Bill, a 70-year-old and extremely wealthy widower, attended a holiday dinner with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old woman on his arm. She was hanging on his every word. His friends at the dinner were aghast.

They finally cornered him and asked, “Bill, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”

Bill replied, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”

They were stunned. “So how did you persuade her to marry you?” they asked.

Bill said, “I lied about my age.”

“What do you mean? Did you tell her you’re only 50?”

Bill smiled and said, “No, I told her I’m 90.”

What not to say

Submitted by Dan Green

A husband and wife get ready for bed. The wife stands in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

“You know,” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.”

She turns to her husband and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

Aren’t grandkids grand?

Submitted by Rhonda Godeski

One evening during a violent thunderstorm, a grandmother tucked her grandson into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked, with a tremor in his voice, “Grandma, will you sleep with me tonight?”

The grandmother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

“I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in your granddaddy’s room.”

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky, little voice. “The big sissy.”

The pharmacist

Submitted by Jimmy McCorkle

A lady walks into a drug store on Christmas Eve and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady explains that she needs it to poison her husband.

“Lord have mercy!” said the pharmacist. “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! They’ll throw both of us in jail and I’ll lose my license.”

The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looks at the picture and says, “Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Christmas trees

Submitted by Michael Nolan

Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, “I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”