Anger management

Submitted by Derek Lecompte

“When I get mad at you, you never fight back,” a husband said to his wife. “How do you control your anger?” “I clean the toilet bowl,” she said. Her husband was baffled. “How does that help?” he asked. “I use your toothbrush.”

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What’s that?

Submitted by Chris Honea

A man told his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4,000, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.” "Really?” asked the neighbor. “What kind is it?” “Twelve-thirty.”

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The tattoo

Submitted by Teresa Paul

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when a young gal walked in with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattoo on one breast. One woman leaned over to the other and said, “Poor thing. She doesn’t know it, but in 50 years she’ll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket.”

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The origin of white hair

Submitted by Shannon Hutchins

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. The little girl looked at her mother and asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mama?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, then asked, “Mama, how come all of Grandma’s hairs are white?”

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Only the truth

Submitted by Beatriz Castro

A husband was looking through the paper and came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife his idea that women in general, and his wife in particular, talk too much, he showed her the study results. “See?” he said. “Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000.” His wife didn’t bat an eye. “It’s because we have to repeat everything we say,” she said.

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The mood ring

Submitted by Golda Ferrara

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day; you know, the ones that change color to reflect mood changes. When I’m in a good mood it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

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Emergency preparedness

Submitted by Jill Reams

A married couple enjoyed their new boat together, but the husband was always the one behind the wheel. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency, so one day out on the lake he said to his wife, “Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I’m having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.” She drove the boat to shore and safely docked it. Later that evening, she walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel and said to him, “Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I’m having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.”

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Colorado farmers

Submitted by Jose Turner

A man owned a small farm in Colorado. The state’s Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent. “Well,” said the farmer, “There’s my hired hand who’s been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month, plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him chewing tobacco,” replied the farmer. “That’s the guy I want to talk to—the half-wit,” said the agent. The farmer said, “That would be me.”

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Camping

Submitted by Jeremy Pinion

The Lone Ranger and Tonto, camping in the desert, set up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger woke his faithful friend. “Tonto,” he said. “Look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions of stars,” Tonto replied. “What does that tell you?” asked the Lone Ranger. Tonto pondered for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kemosabe?” The Lone Ranger was silent for a moment. Then he said, “Tonto, it means someone has stolen our tent.”

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Estate planning 101

Submitted by Lauren Gonzalez

Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, and he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. One evening he went to a singles bar, where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two, my father will die and I’ll inherit $20 million.” Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.