The talking dog

Submitted by Willa Mercado

A man decides his son would love a dog for Christmas, and on his way home from work, he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy walks around the house and sees a mutt sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?” the man asks.

The dog says, “Well, I discovered this gift at a pretty young age, and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about myself, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. The jetting around really tired me out, though, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport doing undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there, and was awarded a batch of medals. I had a wife, lots of puppies and now I’m retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says “Ten dollars.”

The guy says he’ll buy him, then says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?”

The owner replies, “He’s such a liar.”

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Home for the holidays

Submitted by George Curran

An older woman calls Memorial Hospital.

“Hello, darling,” she says. “I’d like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I want to know if a patient is getting better, or doing like she’s expected, or is getting worse. And will she be home for the holidays?”

The staff member at Patient Information asks her what the patient’s name and room number are.

The woman says, “She’s Sarah Jones in Room 302.”

The patient representative says, “Oh, yes. Mrs. Jones is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back normal, she’s going to be taken off her heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues to improve, Dr. Smith is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”

“That’s wonderful!” exclaims the older woman. “Oh, that’s fantastic, darling! That’s wonderful news!”

“From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or friend,” says the patient rep.

The lady says, “I’m Sarah Jones in 302. Dr. Smith never tells me anything!”

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Forgive your enemies

Submitted by Carlos Collins

One Sunday, a preacher discussed the importance of forgiving one’s enemies during a long sermon. At the end, he asked how many members of the congregation were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he droned on for another 20 minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. Everyone’s mind was on Sunday dinner, so they all responded, except one elderly lady in the rear.

“Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” the preacher asked.

“I don’t have any,” she replied.

“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-three,” she said.

“Mrs. Jones, please tell the congregation how a person can live to be 93 and not have an enemy in the world.”

“It’s easy,” she said. “I outlived them all.”

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The new mechanic

Submitted by Cynthia Valdez

A gynecologist decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found a local tech college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam ap- proached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150 percent. Fearing an error, he called the instructor.

“I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result,” he said, “but I wondered if there’s an error that needs adjusting.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart per- fectly, which was worth 50 percent of the total grade. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50 percent. I gave you an extra 50 percent because you did all of it through the muffler.”

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Drastic measures

Submitted by Gary Lis

A man calls his son before the holidays.

“I hate to tell you,” he says, “but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore and we’re get- ting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister don’t go into shock later when I move out.”

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister and tells her the news.

The sister says, “I’ll handle this,” and calls her father.

“Don’t do anything until we get there!” she says. “We’ll be there on Sunday night.”

The father agrees to these terms. Then he hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife.

“Okay, they’re coming for Christmas. Now what are we going to tell them next Thanksgiving?”