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BEACON Senior News - Western Colorado

Laughing Matters

Jan 03, 2018 12:19AM ● By BEACON Senior News

And God created Dog Submitted by Frankie Brown

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we don’t see you anymore. We’re lonesome here, and it’s difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

God said, “No problem! I will create a companion that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and love you as I do.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased and wagged its tail.

Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem! Because I have created him to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of mine, and you will call him ‘Dog.’”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve, and they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created Cat. And Cat would not obey them. When Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. They learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn’t care.

The ex Submitted by Charles Harper

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old, drunken lady swigging her gin and sitting alone at a nearby table.

The wife finally asks, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” sighs the husband, “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My goodness!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

Lawyers vs. the law Submitted by Orlando Benoit

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. Thinking he is smarter than the deputy, he decides to have some fun at the deputy’s expense.

The deputy says, “License and registration, please.”

“What for?” says the lawyer.

The deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

“I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

“You still didn’t come to a complete stop,” says the deputy. “License and registration, please.”

The lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

“The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

“That sounds fair,” says the deputy. “Please exit your vehicle, sir.”

When he does, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer.

“Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?” he asks.

The young doctor Submitted by Kyle Thomas

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on house calls so the community could get used to a new doctor.

At the first house, a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left the house, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to that diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to examine her,” he replied. “Did you notice when I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.”

“Pretty clever,” the younger doctor said. “I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

At the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.

She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did, and said, “I’m feeling terribly rundown lately.”

“You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?”

“I did what you did at the last house,” he said. “I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”

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