Skydiving

A skydiver jumped out of a plane on his first solo jump. At the appropriate time, he pulled the ripcord. Nothing happened. He pulled the cord for his reserve chute. Nothing happened. As he dropped like a rock, he saw a man dressed in orange zooming up at him from the ground.

As they passed each other, the skydiver yelled, “Do you know anything about parachutes?”

“No!” yelled the other guy. “Do you know anything about Coleman stoves?”

The hamster

Seven-year-old Sherry had a male hamster in a cage in her bedroom. She took care of him for nearly two years. One morning before Sherry awoke, her dad found the pet dead in its cage. He disposed of the animal and returned to Sherry’s room to tell her of its passing. She didn’t get upset, nor did she show any tears of sadness. Her dad was a bit confused but decided to give her some time to comprehend what he’d just told her. Later that morning, Sherry joined the rest of her family at the breakfast table.

“Do you want to have a funeral for your furry friend?” her dad asked.

“No!” she replied emphatically. “He stunk and he never gave me any babies.”

The living will

A man and his wife sat in their living room and he turned to her and said, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, pull the plug.”

His wife got up and unplugged the TV.

Anything for a cat

A cat died and went to heaven.

God met her at the pearly gates and said, “You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you ask for is yours.”

The cat thought for a minute and said, “All my life, I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sit on.”

And it was done.

A few days late, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer he made to the cat.

The mice said, “Well, we had to run all our lives from cats, dogs and even people with brooms. If we had some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.”

And it was done.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.

God gently woke the cat and asked, “How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

The cat said, “Oh, it’s wonderful! I have never been so happy in my life. This pillow is so fluffy and those little meals on wheels you have been sending are delicious!”

The camel

A man came into a bar. He held a rope that looped over his shoulder in his left hand. In his right, he held a small tin pail, which he set on the bar.

“Give me a mug of whatever’s on tap, and pour three mugs in the pail,” he said to the bartender.

When he’d been served, he set the pail on the floor.

“What’s with the rope?” the bartender asked.

“It keeps my camel from wandering off,” said the man.

“I don’t see any camel,” said the barkeep.

“That’s what my psychiatrist said this morning,” replied the man.

After a time the man ordered another beer for himself and asked for the bucket to be refilled, too.

“Why do you need the buckets of beer?” asked the barkeep.

“Well,” said the man, “I asked my psychiatrist what it would take to make my camel visible, and he told me about six mugs of beer.”

When the man finished his mug, he picked up the bucket and headed for the door.

Then he turned to the bartender and said, “You might need a mop. It looks like my camel peed on your floor.”

Self-respect

A Bengal tiger was walking down a jungle path when he saw another tiger on the opposite side of a clearing. To his dismay, the second tiger appeared to be eating elephant dung. Totally repulsed, the first tiger stomped across the clearing to confront his fellow cat.

“What are you doing?” he cried.

“This is disgusting! What is the matter with you? You are a Bengal tiger for heaven’s sake—lord of the jungle! Have you no pride? Have you no dignity? Why in the world would you ever eat elephant dung?”

“Yes, yes, I know,” sputtered the second tiger while gagging and choking. “I feel terrible and I am so sorry. You see, I just ate a lawyer and I can’t get the taste out of my mouth.”

At the pearly gates

A small, quiet man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man said. “Once, on a trip to a scarier section of town, I came across a biker gang threatening a young woman. I told them to leaver her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and slapped his face, kicked his bike over and ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Back off or I’ll beat the living daylights out of you!’”

Peter was impressed. “When did this happen?” he asked.

“A couple of minutes ago,” the man replied.