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BEACON Senior News - Western Colorado

Laughing Matters, June 2018

May 31, 2018 06:23AM ● By BEACON Senior News

Too revealing

Submitted by Larry Anderson

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself at his new home. Too embarrassed to let her know he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.

Later, he receives another letter from his mother asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He panics upon realizing he sent the wrong half, but quickly calms down once he remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother that reads, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle. It makes your nose look short!”

Joe had shingles

Submitted by Mary Fran & Alex Baldo

Joe walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He told her he had the shingles.

She wrote down his name, address and insurance information, and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later, a nurse’s aide came out and asked Joe what he had. He said, “Shingles.”

She wrote down his height and weight, collected his medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later, a nurse came in and asked Joe what he had. Again, Joe replied, “Shingles.”

The nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test and an electrocardiogram, and told him to take off his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later, the doctor came in and asked Joe what he had. Once more, Joe replied, “Shingles.”

The doctor asked, “Where?”

Joe said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?”

Careful who you fire

Submitted by Robert Trembly

Feeling it was time for a shakeup, a large company hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

The CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked him, “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, “About $300. Why?”

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash.

“Here’s four weeks pay,” he said sternly. “Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

The guy turned around and left the office

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”

From across the room, a voice said, “He was the pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

Baseball in heaven

Submitted by Maynard Hesselbarth

Moe and Joe, both 90, had been friends all their lives. When Joe was on his deathbed, Moe visited him at the hospital every day.

One day, Moe said, “Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor when you get to Heaven—somehow let me know if there’s baseball there.”

Joe looked up at Moe and said, “Moe, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this for you.”

Joe passed on a few hours later.

One night, Moe was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him.

“Who is it?” asked Moe sitting up suddenly.

“It’s me, Joe.”

“Joe! Where are you?”

“In heaven,” Joe replies. “I have some really good news and a little bad news. The good news is that there’s baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who’ve died are here, too—and we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. We can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic!” says Moe with a tear in his eye. “What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

The husband store

Submitted by Victoria Claussen

A new store opened in Denver that sells husbands. Any woman can go inside and select a man that meets her qualifications. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store only once. There are six floors and the value of the product increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you can’t go back down except to exit.

The signs on each floor read: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous and help with housework. Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic personality. Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

Shoppers who reach the sixth floor find out there are no men on the sixth floor—it solely exists to prove that women are impossible to please.

To avoid gender bias, the store owner also opened a six-floor store that sells wives just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

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