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BEACON Senior News - Western Colorado

Laughing Matters: August 2018

Aug 04, 2018 03:23AM ● By BEACON Senior News

Good shot

Submitted by Carl Eden

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling.

“I’ve never been better!” he replies. “I’ve got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considers this for a moment, and then he says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he’s in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises his umbrella, points it at the bear and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him from a bullet wound in its chest.”

“That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear,” the man said.


People are strange

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

I think it was Mark Twain who said, “People are strange. More so once you cross the border into California.”

As if to prove his point, California has some strange laws. The other day the cops arrested a man on the beach for “reverse streaking.” Apparently, he had run through a nudist colony fully clothed.

Medicine substitutes

Submitted by Mickey Chase

John was a clerk in a small pharmacy, but he wasn’t much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Peter, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then, a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup.

Try as he might, John couldn’t find it. Remembering Peter’s warning, he sold the man a box of laxative pills and told him to take them all at once. The customer did as John instructed and then walked outside and leaned against a lamppost. Peter, who’d seen the whole thing, went over to ask John what happened.

“He wanted something for his cough but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. So I substituted laxatives and told him to take them all at once,” John said.

“Laxatives won’t cure a cough,” Peter shouted angrily.

“Sure they will,” John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost. “Look at him! He’s afraid to cough.”

Movie snack

Submitted by Sidney Robyn

Two goats are out behind a movie studio eating old movie film. One goat says to the other, “Pretty good, huh?”

The second goat says, “Yeah, but it’s not as good as the book.”

Three bears

Submitted by Abbi Harnet

It’s a sunny morning in the forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

“Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!

“Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat’s water and food dish. And now that you’ve decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence, listen good, because I’m only going to say this one more time. I haven’t made the bloody porridge yet!”

Hi fashion

Submitted by Karen Docia

A couple of Aussies who were out of work were strolling past a shoe shop when they spotted a pair of crocodile skin shoes in the window.

“Stu!” one of the blokes exclaimed. “Will you look at the price of them? I tell you what, mate, there’s money to be made in that business, no mistake.”

So they decided to go up north and shoot a few crocs.

They had it really rough for a whole week, wading through the mangrove swamps and being eaten alive by mossies and leeches. But they bagged quite a few crocs.

By the week’s end they had run out of ammo, but they kept at it, taking on the crocs by hand.

Come Saturday morning, they were both in a terrible state.

After one particularly vicious battle with a big old croc, one of the blokes had just about had enough.

“This is no good,” he told his mate. “If the next one’s not wearing shoes, I’m going home!”

One tough teacher

Submitted by Valeree Seiferd

After retiring, a former Marine Corps gunnery sergeant took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back and was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable when he wore his suit coat.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window and sat down at his desk. With a strong breeze blowing, it made his tie flap. He picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence.

The rest of the year went smoothly.

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