Grandma's Advice Submitted by Rose Avery

I just found a card with a gem that I think my grandmother wrote: “You’re not old until you start wearing your lipstick a lot bigger than your lips!”

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I’m rich Submitted by Michael Rogers

Silver in the hair, Gold in the teeth, Crystals in the kidneys, Sugar in the blood, Lead in the butt, Iron in the arteries, and an inexhaustible supply of natural gas.

I never thought I would accumulate such wealth.

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All the right answers Submitted by Nickie Gomez

A drunk was at the Pearly Gates asking St. Peter to let him enter.

St. Peter hesitated, then decided that he should be able to answer some questions. He asked the drunk, “How many days of the week have a ‘t’ in their name?”

The drunk thought about it for a few minutes and replied, “Six.”

St. Peter was puzzled and asked, “How is that?”

The drunk answered, “Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, yesterday, today and tomorrow.”

St. Peter thought for a few seconds and said, “Okay, I’ll accept that answer.”

Then he asked a question he thought would be more difficult: “How many seconds in a year?”

The drunk thought for a minute then answered, “Twelve.”

Astonished, St. Peter asked him to explain. The drunk replied, “Well, there is January 2, February 2, March 2, and so on.”

St. Peter is so surprised, but doesn’t stop there.

“What is God’s first name?” he asked.

The drunk thought about this for several long minutes, then he said, “Andy.”

St. Peter was skeptical and asked for an explanation.

The drunk responded by singing a few lines, “Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me...”

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Pecans in the cemetery Submitted by Sue Bowen

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me” said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”

The man said, “Beat it kid. Can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk?”

When the boy insisted, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.”

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, but were unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”

They say the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

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The black bra Submitted by Kevin Ray

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20 years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend: “The other night my boyfriend came over. He found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.”

The mistress: “Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office. I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and had his way with me.”

Then I had to share my story: “When my husband came home, I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me, he said, ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?’”