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BEACON Senior News - Western Colorado


Apr 01, 2019 02:24PM ● By Beacon Senior News

Note from the Publisher: Humor is in the funny bone of the beholder. In last month's issue, we published a joke that was attributed to David West. First, this is NOT from the renowned Dr. David West of Grand Junction. Second, it was not our intention to make light of being overweight. Third, we love and support our teachers. I apologize for any consternation this has caused.

I remember why I retired Submitted by Robert Gale

After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter (a good find for many retirees), I lasted less than a day. About two hours in, a very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?” The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?” So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.” My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

Life Begins at 80 Submitted by Lynette Cherry

I have good news for you. The first 80 years are the hardest. The second 80 are a succession of birthday parties.

Once you reach 80, everyone wants to carry your baggage and help you up the steps. If you forget your name or anybody else’s name, an appointment, your telephone number or promise to be three places at the same time, or you can’t remember how many grandchildren you have, you need only explain that you are 80.

Being 80 is a lot better than being 70. At 70, people are mad at you for everything. At 80 you have a perfect excuse no matter what you do. If you act foolishly, it’s your second childhood. Everybody is looking for symptoms of softening of the brain.

Being 70 is no fun at all. At 70, they expect you to retire to a house in Florida and complain about your arthritis. You ask everybody to stop mumbling because you can’t understand them.

If you survive until you are 80, everybody is surprised that you are still alive. They treat you with respect just for having lived so long. Actually, they seem surprised that you can walk and talk sensibly.

So please, folks, try to make it to 80. 
It’s the best time of your life. People forgive you for anything.

Grandmas don’t know everything Submitted by Kay Hendricks

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He was playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?” A little taken aback, she decided to tell him the truth. “It’s called sex, darling,” she replied. Little Tony accepted the answer and went back outside to play. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it isn’t called sex. It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.”

Snooze Submitted by Kathy Bruce

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me. I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back. He greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall. Again, he slept for about an hour. This routine continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with six children, two under the age of 3—he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

I’m a senior citizen Submitted by Stella Hurley

I’m the life of the party…even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I’m very good at opening childproof caps...with a hammer. I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying. I’m very good at telling stories…over and over and over and over.

I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.

I’m so cared for—long-term care, eye care, private care, and dental care. I’m not really grouchy; I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can’t seem to remember right now. I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a safe secure place…somewhere. I’m having trouble remembering simple words like…

I’m beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps. If you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? I’m a walking storeroom of facts. I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom door. ■