The old girlfriend

Submitted by Cassie Jacobs

A husband pointed out his old girlfriend at a restaurant.

He said to his wife, “I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" said his wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

I speak blonde

Submitted by Kimberly Ray

A plane is on its way to Toronto when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves to the first-class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

The flight attendant then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the copilot of the situation.

The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he should probably have the police waiting when they land.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this; I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I’m sorry."

She gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, 'First class isn't going to Toronto.’"

 

Colorado farmer

Submitted by May Davidson

A man owned a small farm in Colorado. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him chewing tobacco," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to—the half-wit," the agent said.

The farmer replied, "That would be me."

 

Extra service

Submitted by Carol Kline

A woman brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to a veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the vet realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, he turned on the water faucet, wet his fingers, and moistened each dog's head when he had finished. After the fourth puppy, he noticed the talkative woman had grown silent. As he sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

 

The cowboy and the yuppie

Submitted by Barry Wetzel

A cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man dressed in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd will you give me a calf?"   

The cowboy looked at the man then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his iPad, connected it to his cell phone, and surfed to a NASA page on the Internet, where he called up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then fed to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opened the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exported it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, the yuppie received an email on his iPhone. He then accessed a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he printed out a full-color, 150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turned to the cowboy and said, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

“That's right,” said the cowboy. “Well, I guess you can take one of my calves.”

He watched the young man select one of the animals and looked on with amusement as the young man stuffed it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy said to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thought about it for a second and replied, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government."

"Wow! That's correct," said the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew and a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living! Or about cows for that matter—this is a herd of sheep…now give me back my dog!” ν