The drunk

Submitted by Robert Velasquez

A drunk goes into the bar and tells the bartender, “Dri...drrrri.....drinks on the house...on me. Bartender, you... you can have one, too. And…I will too.”

The bartender thanks him and says, “That will be $63.25.”

The drunks replies, “I....I don’t have any money!” The bartender grabs him, takes him outside, punches him in the gut and in the jaw.

A few minutes later, the drunk walks back into the bar, tells the bartender, “Drinks on the house, I’ll have one, too. But you don’t get one... you get mean when you drink!”

Supermarket woes

Submitted by J. Hendricks

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.

Lesson Learned

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

The other day my 7-year-old grandson was making all kinds of weird faces in the mirror. I told him, “When I was a kid and made faces like that, my mother said my face would look that way permanently.”

He looked at me for a few seconds and said, “Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

 

Missing car keys

Submitted by Barbara Wilson

My car keys weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the grocery store parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in my car’s ignition. He’s always afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right.

The car was nowhere to be found! I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car and told them that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all... to my husband.

“I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen,” I said.

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.

“Are you kidding me?” he barked. “I dropped YOU off!”   

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

“I will,” he said. “As soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your damn car!”

Little Johnny

Submitted by Ginger Gagler

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime. Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after he takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel’s bigger?”

Johnny grins and says, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve made $20!”

Senior memes

Submitted by Jan Weeks

“When I was young, I could climb mountains. These days I have to steady myself to fart.”

“You know you’re old when you go to bed at the time you used to go out.”

“I swear that if my memory was any worse, I could plan my own surprise party.”

“I finally did it! I bought a new pair of shoes with memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen!”

My grandma talking to my mom about her new hearing aid:

Grandma: “It’s the most expensive one you can buy. It cost me $4,000.”

Mom: “What kind is it?”

Grandma: “It’s 4:15 p.m.”

Employer: “We have a companywide 401K.”

Me: “I don’t think I can run that far.”

Flatulence

Submitted by Eugene Ramierez

I was in the bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.

The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beats.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Tax humor

Submitted by Luke Fischer

How does the IRS describe a day at work?

Taxing.