To be Frank

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

Two women are talking over coffee.

Mary: “I’m so exhausted. I can’t sleep. My husband comes home very late at night. I stay up worrying about him and then we argue and I can’t sleep because I’m upset.”

Jane: “I had the same problem. I solved it one night when he came home at about 3 in the morning. I said, ‘Is that you, John?’”

Mary: “How did that solve your problems?”

Jane: “My husband’s name is Frank.”

COVID gaffs

Submitted by Lauren VanGundy

They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store.

They lied, everyone else had clothes on.

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted. The teller, without missing a beat, says, “Well that’s just great...some asshole’s got my pen.”

On the roof

Submitted by Susan Capps

A man who lived with his mother, his brother and his cat had to travel for work. Every night he called home and his first question was “How is the cat?”

One night when he called, his brother answered. When the man asked, “How’s the cat?” his brother said with some exasperation, “The cat died.”

The man was distraught. He told his brother, “You didn’t have to tell me that way! You could have just told me that the cat was on the roof. Then tomorrow when I called you could have told me the cat had slipped but had been checked by the vet and was resting quietly. And then the next time I called you could have told me that the cat had passed away peacefully in its sleep.”

So the next night when the man called home, he asked his brother, “Well, how’s Mom?” His brother answered, “Mom is on the roof.”

Coronavirus witticisms

Submitted by James Birdsill

Q: “There is a gap in your resume. What were you doing in 2020?” A: “I was washing my hands.”

Q: Is COVID-19 really serious?” A: Casinos and churches are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing, it’s probably pretty serious.

Q: “Is that alcohol I smell?" A: “No officer, it’s hand sanitizer.”

To all the grandparents who are missing their grandchildren: When this is over you can have them for a month. Promise.

Breaking news: wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent COVID-19, but to stop eating.

It’s been such a joy being home with my wife the past three weeks. We’ve caught up on all the things I’ve done wrong the past 30 years.

I ordered Chinese food for takeout last night. As the driver came to the door, I walked out to meet him. He started shouting, “Isolate! Isolate!” I replied, “You’re not that late. I only ordered it 15 minutes ago.”

Notice from the Association of Psychiatrists:

Dear Citizens, during the quarantine, it is considered normal to talk to your plants and pets. Kindly contact us only if they reply.

Bagpiper

Submitted by Susan Capps

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery.

I wasn't familiar with the area so I got lost. When I finally arrived—an hour late—I saw the funeral guy had evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I told the men I felt badly for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and gathered around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played “Amazing Grace,” the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years.”

Preacher’s day off

Submitted by Roy Reynolds

The town preacher was also an avid golfer. Every chance he got, he could be found on the golf course, swinging away.

One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, there were no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to whether he should miss church and go golfing, or miss out on the perfect day and preach. But the urge to play golf overcame him and he called in sick. Then he packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

Meanwhile, an angel in heaven was watching the preacher and his actions troubled him. So he went to God.

“Look at the preacher,” the angel said. “He missed out on church to go golfing. He should be punished.”

God agreed with the angel and they watched the preacher tee up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup, 350 yards away. It was a picture-perfect hole-in-one.

The angel was shocked. He turned to God and said, “But I thought you were going to punish him.”

“Think about it,” God said. “Who can he tell?”

Advice for actors

Submitted by Rachel Elizabeth

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?"

Because every play has a cast.