So temperamental

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

I used to work for a guy that seemed to be upset or angry all the time. Anybody who made even the slightest mistake would get ripped up one side and down the other. His normal voice was yelling at the top of his lungs.

One day, during our lunch break, I asked one of the guys who had been there for years, “Why is the boss always so angry?”

The guy replied, “I don’t think he’s angry. I just think he’s temperamental: 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental.”

List of whys

Submitted by Rick Chambers

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to the pharmacy while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

Why do we buy hamburgers in packages of 10 and buns in packages of eight?

Do you ever wonder why the sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery?”

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice?”

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Old fart

Submitted by Shannon Hills

My daughter and I went out to a local restaurant for dinner one night. Shortly after we were seated, the hostess directed an elderly couple into the booth behind ours. The gentleman—who sat directly behind my daughter—broke wind rather loudly. My daughter giggled quietly. Then the man’s cell phone rang and he answered it. The voice on the other line could be heard loud and clear: “Hey, man, how’ve you been?” To which the man behind us replied, “Not too bad for an old fart.”

A.A.A.D.D.—Know the symptoms

Submitted by Kaye Fairchild

Age-Activated Attention-Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye—they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs.

But first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn’t washed,

The bills aren’t paid,

There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter,

The flowers don’t have enough water,

There is still only one check in my checkbook,

I can’t find the remote,

I can’t find my glasses,

And I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.

The grasshopper

Submitted by Walt Williams

A grasshopper walks into a bar and notices the bartender is staring at him. The grasshopper says, “Hey, you’re staring at me.”

The bartender says, “Sorry, but we have a drink named after you.”

The grasshopper says, “No kidding? You have a drink named Irving?”

Baseball memory

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

Many years ago, when I was 8 or 9 years old, I was playing Old Timers baseball. I tried to catch a pop-up and I missed. It hit me on the forehead and almost knocked me out. I was on the ground kind of blinking my eyes and shaking my head. My older brother came up to me and said, “If you hear a phone ringing, don’t answer it.”