Merit

Submitted by Ron Carlson

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter asked the cowboy, “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?”

“I can think of one thing,” said the cowboy. “On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota I came upon a gang of bikers who were harassing a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I walked up to the biggest, baddest, most tattooed biker and punched him in the face, ripped out his earring and tossed it to the ground, then kicked his bike over. I then yelled, ‘Now back off or I’ll kick the snot out of every last one of you!’”

Impressed, St. Peter asked, “When did this happen?”

The cowboy replied, “A couple of minutes ago.”

COVID one-liners

Submitted by Jan Weeks

How long is this social distancing thing supposed to last? My husband keeps trying to come into the house.

Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.

People start coughing and worry they have the coronavirus. I cough and just pray I don’t pee myself.

When does Season 2 of 2020 start? I do NOT like Season 1.

Having some states lockdown and some states not lockdown is like have a peeing section of a swimming pool.

It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to homeschool one.

Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now?

Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.

If these last few weeks have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet.

The bathtub test

Submitted by Will Dickerson

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, “How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?”

“Well,” the director said, “First we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket, and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” he said, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

Learning to drink

Submitted by Kyle Booker

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back from the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house. I got him a Guinness. He didn’t like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny’s. He didn’t like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager. He didn’t. So I drank it.

I thought maybe he’d like whiskey better than beer, so we tried a Jameson’s. Nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast—Ireland’s finest. He wouldn’t even smell it.

By the time I realized he just didn’t like to drink, I was so darn drunk I could hardly push his stroller home.

Very punny

Submitted by Jan Weeks

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. That’s humerus.

I told my suitcases that there will be no vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I thought to myself, “That’s a little condescending.”

Not to get technical…but according to chemistry, alcohol IS a solution.

Church hopping

Submitted by Josh White

A guy had been isolated on an island in the South Pacific for 10 years. He lit a signal fire every night, but no one came to rescue him. Finally, a passing boat noticed the signal and sent men in a small boat to investigate.

The castaway explained that he had been on this island for 10 years waiting to be rescued. The boat captain asked him, “If you are all alone, what are those three huts I see built in the lagoon?”

He answered, “The first hut is my home, the second hut is where I go to church and the third hut is where I went to church before I got mad and changed churches.”

Grandma’s little boy

Submitted by Linda Grant

During a thunderstorm one evening, a woman tucked her grandson into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked, with a tremor in his voice, “Grandma, will you sleep with me tonight?”

She smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

“I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in your granddaddy’s room.”

A long silence was broken by his shaky little voice: “That big sissy.”

Helpful son

Submitted by Karen Smith

An elderly woman lived alone. She wanted to spade her potato garden, but it was very hard work. Her only son, Joe, who used to help her, was in prison. The woman wrote a letter to her son describing her predicament.

“Dear Joe, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Mom.”

A few days later she received a letter from her son.

“Dear Mom: For heaven’s sake, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the BODIES. Love, Joe.”

At 4 a.m. the next day, the police showed up and dug up the entire area but no bodies were found. They apologized to the woman and left. That same day she received another letter from her son.

“Dear Mom, go ahead and plant the garden now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Joe.”