Dying rich 

Submitted by Sharon Cannella

Doug, who lived all his life in the Florida Keys, is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present with a camcorder in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready, he begins to speak:

“My son, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”

“My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away, as they did not realize his extensive holdings. As Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

The wife replies, “The moron has a paper route.”

For the love of wine

Submitted by Jan Weeks

Does anyone know which page of the Bible explains how to turn water into wine? Asking for a friend.

Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can change and wine to accept the things I can’t.

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.

I’ve got salad for dinner. Actually, fruit salad. Well, mostly grapes. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I’ve got wine for dinner.

Of course size matters! No one wants a small glass of wine!

Dear alcohol: We had a deal that you would make me prettier, funnier and a better dancer. I saw the video. We need to talk. 

Economic stimulus advice

Submitted by Stacey Maddox

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will likely receive another economic stimulus. It’s a very exciting program, which I’ll explain in a Q&A format:

Q: What is an economic stimulus?

A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q: Where will the government get this money?

A: From taxpayers.

Q: Is the government simply giving me back my own money then?

A: No, only a smidgen of it.

Q: What is the purpose of this payment?

A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase an HD television, a new iPad or a new SUV, thus stimulating the economy.

Q: Isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?

A: Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy with your stimulus check: 

• If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.

• If you spend it on gasoline, the money will go to the Arabs.

• If you purchase a computer, it goes to India, Taiwan or China.

• If you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

• If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

• If you purchase useless stuff, it goes to Taiwan.

• If you pay your credit card off or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses hidden offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by spending it at a yard sale, going to a ball game, getting a prostitute, beer or tattoos (these are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.) 

Conclusion: Go to a ballgame with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day. No need to thank me. I’m just glad I could be of help.

Outdoor woman

Submitted by Susan Capps

During her regular checkup, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. She said she spent three days a week outdoors.

“Yesterday afternoon was typical,” she said. “I took a five-hour walk about seven miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake, and pushed my way through two miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and in my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills, and I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then from an angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered, so at the end, I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.”

Amazed, the doctor said, “Wow, you are one heck of an outdoor woman.”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m just a really, really bad golfer.”

Creation of the Midwest

Submitted by Gregory Weston

On the sixth day, God turned to the archangel, Gabriel, and said, “Today, I am going to create an area of land called the Midwest. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It will have tall hills and rolling plains full of game and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and streams full of trout, forests full of deer and turkeys and valleys with fertile soil and an abundance of nutrients to grow things. I will make the land rich in resources so its inhabitants will prosper. I will call these inhabitants Midwesterners and they will be known as the friendliest people on Earth.”

“But Lord,” Gabriel said. “Don’t you think you are being too generous to those Midwesterners?”

“Not really,” God replied. “Just wait and see the winters I’m going to give them.”

Blond jokes

Submitted by Roy Whittaker

A friend told a blond, “Christmas is on a Friday this year.” The blond
 replied, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

Two blond men find three grenades and decide to take them to a police station. One asked, “What if one explodes before we get there?” The other replied, “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

A woman called her blonde neighbor, saying, “Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.” The blond man replied, “Well, joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even home yesterday.”