Birthday surprise

Submitted by Ruth Trowbridge

For a man’s 90th birthday, his friends hired a “lady of the evening” to celebrate. 

When she arrived, she said, “I’m here to give you super sex!” 

The old man thought for a second and said, “I’ll take the soup!”

Growing old

Submitted by Jan Weeks

Remember when you could refer to your knees as right and left? Now they’re just good and bad.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk nine feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking, “I may as well pee while I’m here.”

My granddaughter wanted a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

Teach your grandkids about taxes by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.

Earache

Submitted by Michelle Maddison

Today my son came to me and said, “My ear hurts.” 

I asked him, “Does it hurt on the inside or outside?” 

He turned, walked out the front door and then came back in and said, “Both!”

Now I know I’ve been saving too much for his college.

Two riddles and a joke

Submitted by Ruth Trowbridge

Q. What has four wheels and flies?

A. A garbage truck

Q. What goes up a chimney down and down a chimney down, but won’t go up a chimney up or down a chimney up?

A. An umbrella

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says “What’ll you have?” 

The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

Jesus was Irish

Submitted by Jane Smith

• He had 12 drinking friends.

• He was trained as a carpenter to work on the buildings.

• He was unemployed.

• He lived with his mother until he was 33.

• He thought his mom was a virgin.

• His mom thought he was God.

Thankful for facemasks

Submitted by J.M.

It was the perfect storm.

I was seated directly behind the emergency exit row, and the airplane turbines were roaring for the entire flight—which was fortunate, because I had to pass gas, badly, and was trying to hold it in. I ate anything and everything on that weekend getaway, so I knew what was about to happen.

I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Luckily, the sound of the turbine combined with the fact that nearly everyone had headphones in meant that no one heard a thing. Then I got a whiff. I questioned for a moment whether or not I pooped my pants. I waited, ready with a comment about the smell as soon as I saw a single reaction. But there was nothing: not a flinch, not a comment, not a single gasp.

Five seconds later the smell was completely gone. The plane’s air filters sucked it right up, and the facemasks prevented any wafts. I can’t believe I did it! 

From that point forward, the game was on. I attempted to get any sort of reaction. But even as I waited with bated breath after each one let loose, there wasn’t a single response from any of the passengers for the next hour. Not even from my girlfriend sitting next to me. 

As we walked to baggage claim, I mentioned as nonchalantly as I could, “It smelled like someone was passing gas the whole plane flight. Did you smell anything?”

My girlfriend turned to me, blank-faced, and said, “I didn’t smell a thing.”

The truth about Jaws

Submitted by Jane Winslow

Did you know, if you watch the movie “Jaws” backwards, it’s a heart-warming story about a shark that gives limbs to disabled people? 

My next life

Submitted by Pat Martin

I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you’re kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend the next several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon, you’re too young to work.

So then, you go to high school, play sports, date, drink and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again.

You go to elementary school, play and have no responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby, and everyone runs themselves ragged to make you happy.

You spend your last nine months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions, which includes central heating and room service on tap.

Until finally…you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case. 

Just like you

Submitted by Joy Tracy

My young son was not doing well in school. His grandfather (whom he adores) decided to have a talk with him. 

His grandpa tried to explain the importance of school and other things that would lead to a successful life in later years. He ended with “Don’t you want have a wonderful family, live in a beautiful home and have an exciting career?”

My son looked up at his grandfather and said, “Oh no, Grandpa. I want to be just like you!”

New brunette

Submitted by Lee Bowerman

A blonde dyed her hair brown and went for a drive. She thought she was feeling much smarter already and stopped to admire a flock of sheep. She honked the horn and asked the shepherd if she could have one of the lambs if she could accurately guess how many sheep were in the flock.

He agreed and she guessed 563. The shepherd exclaimed, “That’s exactly right! Which one would you like?” 

As she was preparing to leave, the shepherd asked her, “If I can guess what color your hair was before you dyed it, could I have my dog back?”

Read more riddles here.