One-liners

Submitted by Kevin Ray

I asked my husband if I was the only one he had ever slept with. He said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday. (This is from the guy in the first joke!!!)

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.

Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.

Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.

Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought, “Their cornbread isn’t done in the middle”?

Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.

I miss the ’90s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate”?

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of....it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.

I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked, wasn’t I afraid he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.  

I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test, same thing.

Difficult to say when drunk

Submitted by Steve Powell

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon

Very difficult to say:

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive aggressive disorder

Loquacious Transubstantiate

Downright impossible to say:

Nope, no more booze for me.

Sorry, but you’re not really my type.

Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?

Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing. 

Redneck rocket  scientists

Submitted by Lee Bowerman

Some rednecks held a press conference because they had built a rocket to go to the sun. The interviewer told them that was crazy because they would burn up before they got anywhere close to the sun.

They answered, “Yes, but we’re going at night!”

How to get to heaven

Submitted by Vickie Bremmer

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

“No!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “No!”

“Well,” I continued, “then how can I get into heaven?”

A 5-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”

Fifty dollars

Submitted by Lauren VanGundy

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d really like to ride in that helicopter.”

Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

One year, Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”

To this, Esther replied, “Morris that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word, I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”

Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!”

Order up

Submitted by Robert Breazeale

You know you’re getting old when you go into a restaurant to order a 3-minute egg and they ask you to pay in advance.

St. Peter v. Forrest Gump

Submitted by Lee Bowerman

At the pearly gates, Forrest Gump was being questioned by St. Peter. 

“You’re too early, but if you can pass a three-part test, you will be allowed to stay. How many days of the week start with a T?” 

Forrest said, “Four.” St. Peter said that wasn’t exactly the answer he wanted, but Forrest explained, “Well there’s Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow.” 

St. Peter allowed him that one. “How many seconds are there in a year?” 

Forrest replied, “Twelve.” After Forrest explained “the second of January, second of February, second of March…” St. Peter allowed that one too. 

But he said, “Now, no one ever gets this one: what’s God’s real name?”

“Andy,” Forrest replied. “My mama always sings this song, ‘Andy walks with me and he talks with me…’”