Local entertainment

Submitted by Rick Cash

A retired man did some volunteer work by entertaining patients at a local nursing home with his keyboard.

He sang some funny songs and told some jokes. When he finished, he told the patients, “I hope you all get better soon.”

One elderly gentleman replied, “We hope you get better, too.”

Senior Special

Submitted by Miki Strobridge

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the senior special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

“Sounds good,” my wife said, “but I don’t want the eggs.”

“Then I will have to charge you $2.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,” the waitress warned.

“You mean I’d have to pay for NOT taking the eggs? Then I’ll take the special.”

“How do you want your eggs?”

“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied.

She took the eggs home and baked a cake! 

Grumpy old man

Submitted by Debra Romaniec 

While on a road trip, Jack and Debbie, an elderly couple, stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. 

Upon leaving, Debbie unknowingly left her glasses on the table and didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about 40 minutes.

To add to the aggravation, the couple had to travel quite a distance before they found a place on the interstate to turn around.

All the way back, Jack became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and scolded his wife relentlessly. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. 

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As Debbie got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, Jack yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

21 crazy (but real) headlines

Submitted by Jan Weeks

1. “Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons”

2. “Planes forced to land at airports”

3. “Miracle cure kills fifth patient”

4. “State population to double by 2040; babies to blame”

5. “Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25”

6. “Breathing oxygen linked to staying alive”

7. “Homicide victims rarely talk to police”

8. “Most earthquake damage is caused by shaking”

9. “Diana was still alive hours before she died”

10. “Police say man with no hands and no legs is armed and on the run”

11. “Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison”

12. “Voters to vote on whether to vote”

13. “Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs”

14. “Forecasters call for weather on Monday”

15. “Farmer using cannon  to protect watermelons”

16. “Murderer says detective ruined his reputation”

17. “Man accused of killing lawyer receives a new attorney”

18. “Hospitals resort to hiring doctors”

19. “Alton attorney accidentally sues himself”

20. “Police arrest everyone on February 22”

21. “‘Missing’ Turkish man joined search party for himself” 

Beware dating health professionals

Submitted by Nick Thomas

Beware of dating radiologists, they can see right through you.

Beware of dating podiatrists, you may get off on the wrong foot.

Beware of dating cardiologists, they may discover your heart isn’t in the right place.

Beware of dating chiropractors, they have too many back issues.

Beware of dating allergists, their affection might be seasonal.

Beware of dating pediatricians, they have little patients.

Beware of dating acupuncturists without a license to practice. They’re pointless.

Beware of dating retired gynecologists, they just can’t deliver anymore.

Beware of dating plastic surgeons, they’ll always be looking for new faces.

Beware of dating geriatricians, it gets old after a few weeks.

Beware of dating orthopedic surgeons, they’ll never let you set them straight.

Beware of dating audiologists, they’ll dump you and claim it was a sound decision.

Beware of dating hypnotherapists, you may be entranced but only subconsciously.

Beware of dating brain surgeons, they know they can always change your mind.

Beware of dating proctologists. Sure, they can work things out, but it won’t be fun.

Beware of dating dentists, they’ll never be comfortable around you if you have a Bluetooth.

Beware of dating dermatologists, that would obviously be a rash decision.

Beware of dating ophthalmologists, their jokes will be cornea than yours.

Beware of dating nurses, they’ll want to start seeing other people TID with meals.

I dated a nurse. And married her. She’s still in recovery.

For Heaven’s sake

Submitted by Lee Bowerman

Two members of Kleptomaniacs Anonymous arrived and were waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter went in and asked God if they were going to be allowed into heaven. God reluctantly said yes. But when St. Peter went back to let the men in, they were gone. 

He ran back to God’s office and exclaimed, “They’re gone, they’re gone!” 

God asked, “The kleptomaniacs?” 

St. Peter said, “Yes…and the pearly gates, too!”