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BEACON Senior News - Western Colorado

Laughing Matters - December 2021

Laughing Matters stock photo of dog wearing sunglasses

Redneck humor

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A redneck who’s had a few too many drinks leaves a bar. He comes back in a few minutes and asks the bartender, “How tall is a penguin?” 

The bartender says, “About three feet.”

The redneck asks, “Are you sure it isn’t about twice that?”

The bartender replies, “I’m pretty sure.” 

The redneck slaps his forehead and says, “You better give me a double, I think I just ran over a nun.”

Two boys are talking about what they got for Christmas. One is a city kid who exaggerates. The other is a redneck’s kid.

City Kid: I got a new mountain bike that costs $1,000.

Redneck Kid: That’s fantastic.

CK: And I got a new electric train set with everything that costs $500.

RK: That’s fantastic.

CK: And I got a new video set up and 20 games that costs $600.

RK: That’s fantastic.

CK: So, what did you get?

RK: Some clothes and a baseball glove. But my folks have been sending me to an etiquette school for two weeks.

CK: That’s too bad. Have you learned anything?

RK: Yep. I’ve learned to say “that’s fantastic” instead of “that’s bull $#%&!”

Water closet

Submitted by Helen Curtis

An English school teacher was looking for rooms in Switzerland, and she called upon the local schoolmaster to help her find an apartment that would be suitable. Such rooms were found, and she returned to London for her belongings. She remembered that she had not noticed a bathroom, or as she called it, “a water closet.” So she wrote to the schoolmaster and asked if there was a “w.c” in or near the apartment.

The schoolmaster, not knowing what the “w.c.” stood for, was puzzled. Not knowing she was talking about a bathroom, he sought advice from the parish priest. They concluded she must have meant a wayside chapel.

A few days later she received this letter:

“Dear Madam,

The w.c. is located 9 miles from the house, in the heart of a beautiful grove of trees. It will seat 150 people at one time and is open Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Some people bring their lunch and make a day of it. On Thursdays, there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are very good. The slightest sound can be heard by everyone.

It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there at the “w.c.” We are now in the process of taking donations to purchase plush seats. We feel that this is a long-felt need, as the present seats have holes in them.

My wife, being rather delicate, hasn’t been able to attend regularly. It’s been 6 months since she last went. Naturally, it pains her to not be able to go more often.

I will close now with the desire to accommodate you in every way possible and will be happy to save you a seat either down front or near the door as you prefer.”

The trophy wife

Submitted by Luke Cranston

Bill, a 70-year-old and extremely wealthy widower, attended a holiday dinner with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old woman on his arm. She was hanging on his every word. His friends at the dinner were aghast.

They finally cornered him and asked, “Bill, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”

Bill replied, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”

They were stunned. “So how did you persuade her to marry you?” they asked.

Bill said, “I lied about my age.”

“What do you mean? Did you tell her you’re only 50?”

Bill smiled and says, “No, I told her I’m 90.”

What do you call…

Submitted by Carolyn Hopping

What do you call a pig who knows karate?
A pork chop.

What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.

Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe. 

Where does Santa Claus keep his money?
In snow banks.

What do you call a snowman in spring?
A puddle.

Buy your own gift

Submitted by Bobby Williams

Last Christmas, Grandpa was feeling his age and found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so he decided to send checks to everyone instead.

In each card he wrote, “Buy your own present!” and mailed them early.

He enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities, and it was only after the holiday that he noticed that he had received very few cards in return. Puzzled over this, he went into his study, intending to write a couple of his relatives and ask what had happened. Then he cleared his desk and under a stack of papers, he was horrified to find the gift checks, which he’d forgotten to enclose with the cards.

Anything for a cat

Submitted by Carolyn Hopping

A cat died and went to heaven. God met her at the pearly gates and said, “You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you ask for is yours.”

The cat thought for a minute and said, “All my life I’ve lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors. I would like a really fluffy pillow to sit on.” And it was done. 

A few days later six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together. God made them the same offer he made the cat. 

The mice said, “Well, we had to run all our lives from cats, dogs and even people with brooms. If we had some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.” And it was done. 

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently woke the cat and asked, “How have you been doing? Are you happy?” 

The cat said, “Oh, it’s wonderful! I’ve never been so happy in my life. This pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals on wheels you’ve been sending are soooo delicious!”