Two nuns

Submitted by Diane Salkovich

Two nuns go into a liquor store to buy a six-pack of beer. At the counter, the clerk looks questioningly at them and then at the beer. 

One nun, being more chatty, says, “Oh! This isn’t for drinking—we wash our hair in it. We call it our sacred shampoo.” 

The clerk looks at them for a minute, then reaches under the counter and pulls out a bag of pretzel rods. He puts them in the bag and says, “The curlers are on the house!”

Doubling

Submitted by Miki Strobridge

When I was making a huge batch of snickerdoodle cookies, I asked my 10-year-old grandson to read the recipe and ingredients off the box to me, doubling them as he went along.

He did just as he was told. His first instruction?

“Preheat oven to 700 degrees.”

John Wayne toilet paper

Submitted by Carolyn Hopping

An elderly lady goes shopping at the grocery store and is bewildered by the large selection of toilet paper. 

“Pardon me,” she says to the manager, “but can you tell me the differences between all these brands of toilet paper?”

“Well,” he starts, pointing to one brand, “This is as soft as a baby’s kiss. We call it Baby Soft. It’s $1.50 per roll.” 

He points to another and says, “This is nice and soft as a bunny. Strong but gentle. We call it Bunny Soft, and it’s $1 per roll.” 

Pointing to one on the bottom shelf, he tells her, “We call this our no-name brand, and it’s 20 cents per roll.”

“Give me the no-name brand,” she says. 

She comes back to the store a week later, seeks out the manager and says, “Hey, I’ve got a name for your no-name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne.” 

“Why?” he asks. 

She replies, “It’s rough, it’s tough, and it doesn’t take crap off of anybody.”

Pool of sharks

Submitted by Chris Thompson

A millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During the party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that in the garden he has a swimming pool containing two great white sharks. 

“I will give anything of mine to the person who swims across that pool,” the millionaire said.

The party continues uneventfully until guests heard a great splash. All the guests run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool, a man is swimming as hard as he can and makes it to the other end, barely missing one of the sharks. He gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, “I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give you—my Ferrari, my house—absolutely anything! You are the bravest man I’ve ever seen. So, sir, what will it be?”

The guy grabs the microphone and says, “Why don’t we start with the name of the jerk that pushed me in!”

Prison cellmate

Submitted by Miki Strobridge

A new man was brought into prison. His cellmate was a long-time resident who appeared to be 100 years old. The new man looked at him inquiringly.

“Look at me,” the old-timer said. “I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Rivera, had a nice boat, four cars and I ate in all the best restaurants in France.”

“So what happened?” the new man asked.

The old man replied, “One day, Riley reported his credit cards missing.”

Phoebe’s dad jokes

Submitted by Lauren Berg

Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up everything.

What does a hamster have in common with a cigarette?

They’re harmless, unless you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

There are two whales in a bar. One says “Wahoooaooooo” (and other whale noises).

The other says, “You need to go home. You’re drunk, Fred.”

What do you call a dead polar bear?

Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.

Football dreamin’

Submitted by Ray Johnson

After spending all day watching football games on TV, a man fell asleep in his lounge chair, spending the entire night there.

The next morning his wife woke him up and said, “It’s 20 to 7:00.”

He replied sleepily, “In whose favor?”

A dog by another name

Submitted by Ace Quitte

While walking in a park the other day, I bumped into Larry, a good friend of mine from back in the day. On a leash beside him was a gorgeous Newfoundland.  

“Wow, Larry, long time no see!” I exclaimed. “And what a good boy you got here! What’s his name?” 

“Bear,” Larry replied, as I inwardly cringed. How unoriginal! This must be THE most common dog name ever! But not wishing to offend Larry, I prattled on:

“Aww, how cute! Bear, huh? I suppose that’s because he is so big and furry?” 

“Actually, no. He was a surprise gift for my wife’s birthday, but I guess she wasn’t very impressed by all that drooling onto her hardwood floors. The other two options were ‘Cope’ and ‘Tolerate.’”  

One-liners

Submitted by Miki Strobridge

My wife went to a self-help group for compulsive talkers. It’s called On & On Anon

Social tact is making your company feel at home, even though that’s where you wish they were.

I live in a gated community now…I have a grandbaby gate and a doggy gate!

If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

The early bird gets the worm but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese!

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Ad: “Four poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.”

On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

Enjoy more Laughing Matters here!