Did I read that sign correctly?

Submitted by Ben Kuckel

“Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.”

In a department store: “Bargain basement upstairs…”

In an office: “Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back, or further steps will be taken.”

Outside a second-hand shop: “We exchange anything—bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?”

Spotted in a safari park: “Elephants, please stay in your car.”

In a conference: “For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a daycare on the first floor.”

On a leaflet: “If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.”

On a repair shop door: “We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on door—bell doesn’t work.)

Gettin’ it on with Grandma

Submitted by Marcus Thompson

A drunken old man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, and leans over to look the biggest, meanest biker in the face.

“I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked,” the old man tells the biker. “Man, she is one fine woman!”

The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. 

The drunken man leans on the table again and says, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good—the best I ever had!”

The biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one last time and says, “I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!”

The biker finally stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes, and says: “Grandpa, go home!”

Good and bad puns

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

Did you hear about the animal trainer who always ate lunch in the wild cats’ cage and read a book? Apparently, he was able to read between the lions.

What’s a Shih Tzu? A dog?

No, it’s a zoo with no animals.

Got two bucks?

Submitted by Josh Green

A homeless man who’s seen hard times, approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street. 

“Hey, buddy, can you spare two bucks?” 

The well-dressed gentleman responds, “You’re not going to spend it on liquor, are you?” 

“No, sir, I don’t drink,” retorts the man. 

“You’re not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?” asks the gentleman. 

“No way, I don’t gamble.” 

“You wouldn’t waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?” 

“Never,” says the homeless man, “I don’t play golf.” 

The gentleman asks him if he would like to come home with him for a homecooked meal. The homeless man eagerly accepts. 

While they’re heading to the man’s house, the homeless man’s curiosity gets the better of him. 

“Isn’t your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?” 

“Probably,” says the man, “but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn’t drink, gamble or play golf.” 

Monday night football

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A young man invited 14 people over to watch Monday night football. However, he discovered he only had one 12-pack of beer in the fridge. How did he solve this problem? He told them he was sick and they had to leave.

The ostrich 

Submitted by Holly Brown

A man and an ostrich walked into a restaurant. The waitress asked them for their orders. The man said, “A hamburger, fries and a Coke,” then turned to the ostrich. “What’s yours?”

The ostrich said, “I’ll have the same.” 

When the waitress returned with the order, she said, “That will be $9.40, please.” 

The man reached into his pocket and pulled out exact change.

The next day, the man and the ostrich came in again and the man ordered, “A hamburger, fries and a Coke.” 

The ostrich said, “I’ll have the same.”

Again, the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change. 

This was the routine until one day. 

“The usual?” asked the waitress. 

“No, this is Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and salad,” said the man. 

“Same,” said the ostrich.

The waitress brought the order and said, “That will be $32.62.” 

Again, the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table. 

The waitress couldn’t hold back her curiosity any longer. 

“Excuse me, sir,” she said. “How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”

“Well,” said the man, “Several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” said the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right,” he said. 

“So, what’s with the ostrich?” the waitress asked.

The man sighed, paused and answered, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

Bizarre headlines

Submitted by Ben Kuckel

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

War Dims Hope for Peace

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Read more jokes here.