Too many 911 calls

Submitted by Ben Kuckel

A man hears some noise outside in his garage. Peering through the garage window, he sees three burglars bagging items to steal. 

He calls 911 to report the crime.

911 operator: “What’s your emergency?”

Man: “There are three burglars robbing me right now!”

911: “Are they in your house?”

Man: “No, they’re out in my garage stealing all sorts of things!”

911: “Sorry, sir, but we currently have no patrol cars that can respond to that type of emergency.”

The call is disconnected but the man calls again.

911: “What’s your emergency?”

Man: “I just shot three burglars!”

No sooner than he provided his address did three patrol cars, two ambulances and a fire truck show up and find three burglars in the garage. No one had been shot. 

A police officer said, “I heard you reported that three men had been shot!”

Man: “I heard there were no patrol cars available.”

Hold on to your hat

Submitted by Eric Escobar

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of a cruise ship holding her hat tightly so that it wouldn’t blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be so forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing upward in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady. “I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But madam,” the man said. “You are not wearing any panties, and your privates are exposed!”

The woman looked down, then back up at the man. “Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday.”

Short jokes

Submitted by Jem & Mickey Neal

I read recipes the way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday, so I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog—it feeds the hand that bites it.

Poker

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A man walks into a casino and sees three men and a dog playing poker. He watches for a while and then says, “That dog must be really smart to be able to play poker.”

One of the players says, “Not really. He wags his tail when he has a good hand.”

My successful son

Submitted by Melissa Young

The pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000 when he counted the offering one Sunday. Every week after, that same pink envelope appeared in the offering.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

“Ma’am,” the pastor said. “I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate.”

“Why yes,” she replied. “Every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”

“That’s wonderful,” the pastor replied, “but $1,000 is a lot. Are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?”

“$10,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That’s an honorable profession,” the pastor said, “but I had no idea they made that much money. Where does he practice?”

The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cathouses. One in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.”

The other stall

Submitted by Colleen Reed

Traveling down the interstate, I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.

“Hi, how are you?” a voice said.

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, and I don’t know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doin’ just fine.”

And the other person says, “So what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? At that point, I was thinking this is too bizarre, so I said, “Uh, I’m like you. Just traveling.”

At this point, I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

“Can I come over?”

Okay, this question was just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell them, “No, I’m a little busy right now.”

Then I hear the other person say nervously, “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.”

Forgetter be forgotten?

Submitted by Wilma Parsons

My forgetter’s getting better, 

But my rememberer is broke

To you that may seem funny, 

But to me, that is no joke.

For when I’m “here” I’m wondering

If I really should be “there,”

And when I try to think it through,

I haven’t got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,

Say “What am I here for?”

I rack my brain, but all in vain!

A zero is my score.

At times I put something away

Where it is safe, but gee,

The person it is safest from

Is generally me!

When shopping, I may see someone, say “Hi” and have a chat,

Then when the person walks away

I ask myself, “Who the hell was that?”

Yes, my forgetter’s getting better, 

While my rememberer is broke,

And it’s driving me plumb crazy,

And that isn’t any joke. 

Ball of yarn

Submitted by Mark Lambuth

Did you hear about the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn?

He ended up having mittens