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BEACON Senior News - Western Colorado

Laughing Matters - September 2022

HANDY GRANDMA

Submitted by Amy Newman

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.

“She lives at the airport,” he said. “When we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”


GRANTING WISHES

Submitted by Andrea Luna

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny fairy appeared on their table. She said, “For being such an exemplary couple, I will grant you each a wish.”

The wife answered, “Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.”

The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: “Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry, my love, but I wish to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! The husband aged 30 years.


WHAT THE BIBLE MEANS

Submitted by Jem & Mickey Neal

A boy approached his father at Sunday school and said, “I know what the Bible means!” 

His father smiled and replies, “Son, you can’t know what it all means.” 

“I do, too!” the boy replied. “It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.”


BAD GRANDSON

Submitted by Rhonda Wray

I caught my grandson chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.


BODY BUILDING

Submitted by Rhonda Wray 

My wife just completed a 40-week bodybuilding program this morning. It’s a girl and weighs 7 lbs. 12 oz 


SHORT JOKES

Submitted by Ben Kuckel

A guy asked me for a small donation for the YMCA swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

I changed my password to “incorrect” so my computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”

Take my advice; I’m not using it!

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.

If you keep both feet firmly planted on the ground, you’ll have difficulty putting on your pants.

A computer once beat me at chess; but it was no match for me at kick boxing!

A teenager got 8 out of 10 on his driver’s test—the other two guys managed to jump out of the way!

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie?

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery. 


PHOTOSHOOT

Submitted by Amy Newman

Two weeks after my 1-year-old grandson’s photo shoot, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on the monitor. 

The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he spoke so quickly that I couldn’t get a word in. Finally, after we’d seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in.

“None,” I replied. “That isn’t my grandchild.”


GRANDMA AND WEBSITES

Submitted by Pauline Stone

What is the similarity between a grandmother and a website?

You can’t deny the cookies.


ESSAY ON ENGLISH

Submitted by Georgia Manning

Perhaps English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England nor French fries in France. 

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. 

One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese?

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. And, when the stars are out, they are visible. 

How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? 

You may find a lone mouse or a whole set of mice, yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say Mother, we never say Methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine she, shis and shim.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with “quit while you’re ahead”?

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it? 


LORD ALMIGHTY

Submitted by Ben Kuckel

A minister approached a church member during a service, laid his hands on him and said, “By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty and the will of God, you will walk today!”
The church goer responded by saying, “But I’m not paralyzed!”
The minister laid his hands on him again and repeated, “I say that by the will of the Almighty, you will walk today!”
The church member responded, “But there’s nothing wrong with me!”
After the service the church member stepped outside, and lo and behold, he discovered his minister had been right all along.
His car had been stolen! 


WHAT GENRE ARE NATIONAL ANTHEMS?

Submitted by Rhonda Wray 

Country.  


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