Laughing Matters - October 2022
Submitted by Judy Cohen
My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife refused, but he bought one anyway.
“I’ll tell you what,” he told her. “In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you name the boat?”
Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: “For Sale.”
Submitted by Martin Lee
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5- and 6-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without hesitation one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
Submitted by Bob Breazeale
A man walks into a casino and sees three men and a dog playing poker. He watches for a while and then says, “That dog must be really smart to be able to play poker.” One of the players says, “Not really. He wags his tail when he has a good hand.”
Submitted by Rhonda Wray
A woman was three months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma. When she woke up six months later, she asked the doctor about her baby.
“You had twins—a boy and a girl. They’re both healthy and your brother named them for you,” the doctor said.
“No!” the woman wailed. “Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?”
“Denise,” the doctor replied.
Surprised, the woman said, “That’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?”
The doctor sighed deeply and replied, “Denephew.”
Submitted by Lynn Brown
Two older women were driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh no! Am I driving?”
Digital Grandma: A Poem
Submitted by Lionel Watkins
The computer swallowed grandma. Yes, honestly it’s true.
She pressed ‘control’ and ‘enter’ and disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely, the thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus or been eaten by a worm.
I’ve searched through the recycle bin and files of every kind;
I’ve even used the Internet, but nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Google my searches to refine.
The reply received was negative, not a thing was found online.
So, if inside your Inbox, my Grandma you should see,
Please copy, scan and paste her, and send her back to me!
Submitted by Ben Kuckel
A man goes golfing a lot. He goes golfing one day and comes home to find a note on the refrigerator from his wife: “I’ve had it! It’s not working! I’ve gone to my mother’s.”
He opens the refrigerator door. The light comes on and it’s cold.
He says to himself, “What is she talking about? The fridge is fine!”
He takes out a beer and drinks it.
Submitted by Helen Curtis
I would like to return this mirror. The reflection doesn’t look like me anymore!
Submitted by Jem & Mickey Neal
The noblest of dogs is the hot dog—it feeds the hand that bites it.
Submitted by Amy Newman
The sixth grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her math classes:
A wealthy man died and left $10 million. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth to his son, one-fifth to his butler and the rest to charity. Now, what does each one get?
After a very long silence in the classroom, Morris raised his hand.
“Yes, Morris?” the teacher asked.
Morris answered, “A lawyer!”
Submitted by Bob Brezeale
Dr. Frankenstein was very clever. When he ran out of corpses, he ran an ad in the local newspaper. The ad read, “Are you overweight from lack of exercise? Then come to Franken Spa. We build new bodies.”
Submitted by Francisco Garner
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated by the big book and fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there?” his mother said.
With astonishment he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”
Submitted by Yvonne Ruth
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. That’s because by the second day, you’re off it.
Submitted by Jem & Mickey Neal
I read recipes the way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”