Living healthy

Submitted by Jane Diamond

A middle-aged couple died and went to heaven at the same time.

When they arrived, St. Peter showed them to a beautiful mansion and told him it was all theirs. 

In awe but still skeptical, the man said, “What about the electric bill?” 

St. Peter said, “It’s all paid.”

Then he showed them to a lake with their own personal boat. The man said, “Well, who’s going to pay for the gas for the boat?”

St. Peter said, “It’s all paid for.”

Then he took them to a golf course and the man said, “But who is going to pay for the green fee?” 

St. Peter said, “It’s all paid.”

The man took his hat off and threw it on the ground and said to his wife, “We would have been here a lot sooner if you hadn’t fed us all those vitamins!”

Gray Marriage Priorities

Submitted by Lloyd Mason 

A senior citizen said to his 80-year-old buddy, “So I hear you’re getting married!”

“Yep!”

“Do I know her?”

“Nope!”

“Is she good looking?”

“Not really.”

“Is she a good cook?”

“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”

“Does she have lots of money?”

“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”

“Well then, is she good in bed?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”

“Because she can still drive!”

Altar boy

Submitted by Ben Kuckel

An altar boy comes to confessional and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Nina Capelli?”

“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Cathy Piriano?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”

“Please, Father. I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

“Four months’ vacation and five good leads.”

Pregnant at 61?

Submitted by Salvatore Curry

A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

“What’s the matter with you?” the older doctor demanded. “Mrs. Terry is  61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

“Does she still have the hiccups?”

Better hearing

Submitted by Jane Diamond

A man needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he was unwilling to spend much money. 

“How much do they run?” he asked the clerk.

“They run anywhere from $2 to $2,000,” the clerk responded.  

“Let’s see the $2 model,” the customer said.

The clerk put the device around the man’s neck. 

“You just stick this button in your ear and run this string down to your pocket,” he instructed.

“How does it work?” the customer asked.

“For $2 it doesn’t work,” the salesman replied. “But people talk louder after seeing the string.”

With Age Comes Wisdom

Submitted by David Warner

A 71-year-old was fishing from his boat one day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”

He looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming. Again he heard the voice say, “Pick me up.”

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. 

The man said, “Are you talking to me?”

The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up, kiss me and then I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious because I will be your bride!”

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride!”

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah. At my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.”

Older Than Dirt Quiz

Submitted by Martha Burns

Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were just told about and calculate your results below:

1. Blackjack chewing gum

2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 

3. Candy cigarettes

4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles 

5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes 

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 

7. Party lines on the telephone

8. Newsreels before the movie 

9. P.F. Flyers

10. Butch wax 

11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (There were only 3 channels -if you were fortunate.) 

12. Peashooters 

13. Howdy Doody 

14. 45 RPM records  

15. S & H green stamps 

16. Hi-fis

17. Metal ice trays with levers 

18. Mimeograph paper

19. Blue flashbulbs

20. Packards

21. Roller skate keys

22. Cork popguns 

23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers

25. Washtub wringers 

If you remembered:

0-5 = You’re still young

6-10 = You are getting older 

11-15 = Don’t tell your age

16-25 = You’re older than dirt! 

Share your results with us at [email protected]

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PO Box 3895, Grand Junction, CO 81502